Category Archives: Shortcomings

To Learn to Love Ourselves

“There is luxury in self-reproach.  When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us.”  — Oscar Wilde

Just as we don’t have the right to judge someone else, we don’t have the right to judge ourselves.  Our unhealthy script in the past was that when we did something we felt ashamed of, we judged ourselves guilty.  All too often, we then punished ourselves. Was that behavior an expression of our shame and sadness because of our defects? Punishing ourselves won’t stop our unhealthy behaviors; loving ourselves will.

We are grateful that our growth in our emotional health has taught us the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt lets us feel remorse and sadness when our actions violate our values.  Guilt helps us know when we’ve acted badly; shame tells us we are bad.  Guilt gives us a way back to ourselves through making amends; shame leaves us hopeless.  To give in to shame and self-hatred only harms us and intensifies the power of our unhealthy behaviors.  There is a better way, and that’s to learn to love us.

Advertisements

In Memory of My Other Mom, Dorothy

January 23 is the “death day” of my second Mom. Dorothy Eshenbaugh was the step-grandmother of my last partner. I’ve blogged about Dorothy on many occasions. During our brief five years as my “Mother-there-ought-to-be-a-law,” we experienced a lot of life together; there were ups and many downs. But the love between Dorothy and I was always stable. We had a hell of a lot of fun together; we played a lot of Dominoes, laughed our asses off, and cried some too. We’d get mad at one another, like everyone does, but it never lasted for very long. She always knew the easiest way to solve a family argument would be through me and not her step-grandson. Dorothy didn’t like it when we weren’t talking. I remember how she would often hold my hands and those of my partner’s in hers and she’d say; “Now fella’s we have to stick together. We’re all we’ve got as family goes.” You see, Dorothy had a respect for communication between family members. Dorothy was in end stage renal failure, and hadn’t spoken in a few years to her sister, Betty or her mother. But Dorothy and I worked on a beautiful letter that she mailed to her sister so proudly one day. Dorothy was going to put an end to the silence.

Dorothy hardly gave the envelope enough time to get through her own post office before she started checking her mail for a response from her Betty or mother. Then, weeks went by and then months. Dorothy’s sad attitude gradually lifted and she shrugged it off and said, “Wasn’t meant to be I guess.”

Dorothy died on January 23, 2008 of end stage renal failure. I often feared that when the end would come for her that she’d be alone; I knew that was one of her biggest fears as well. When she transitioned from our earth, her beloved companion Rascal was at her side. Dorothy joked that Rascal in a strange way looked a bit like her deceased husband, Robert, who was the love of Dorothy’s life! You know, I never could really disagree with her! I think somehow Robert reincarnated into that dog!

My former partner and I knew that Dorothy’s prognosis didn’t assure us any real definitive time with her before the end would come. So, we made every birthday and holiday as special as we could for her. In the five years that Dorothy was in my life, she lived life. She went to church every Sunday and put in a prayer request for my ex and me every Sunday as well. Dorothy was a good mother to me, at a time when I didn’t have one. My own mother died many years before I met Dorothy. When Dorothy learned my mother was deceased, I could see how she put herself in that role for me. I never complained one bit. It felt nice to be loved again in that way that only a mother can.

I know Dorothy is at rest and still living fully in another plane of existence with her beloved Robert. These beautiful memories I hold of our time together and knowing that Dorothy is once again reunited with her husband who she loved so much, make it easier each day to feel a little less pain about the loss and the feeling of that space filled by joy and happiness that things are as they should be.

Dorothy’s mother and sister eventually learned of her death. I always knew and felt so strongly that someday, even though my former partner and I were no longer together, that I would, in some way shoulder the responsibility of informing them of  the details of their family member’s demise.  The situation did unfold that way as my ex-partner never told them. When Betty reached me and I had given some of the details of Dorothy’s life those last few years, I inquired about that damn letter, which, they never received. Dorothy’s sister Betty and I have, through this odd process, become a unique pair of friends. Good friends in fact. We’ve never met in person (at least not yet anyway) and most of our communication is through email. Betty and I have a connection though. I have made a personal commitment to myself that this summer, I am going to make a trip to the small Texas town Betty and her family lives in, and have an opportunity to meet them all. In a strange way, they already feel like family to me. I almost found myself writing to Betty the other day, “We’ve got to stick together Betty, we’re all we’ve got you know…”  I know Dorothy is smiling as she’s standing next to her Robert, as she watches the friendship form between us.

To Dorothy, I send wishes of eternal peace, love and happiness, and all the “Robert time” possible.  Before you know it Mom, someday you’re going to realize I’m there with you too, and then you better get out a good set of Dominoes, OK?  Love you so much, Mom.

Your son,

Mark.

 

Omnipotent and Ageless: Your Majesty the Baby

majesty-baby

“In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us.”  — Rilke

Too often we imagine life as sort of a magic carpet ride taking us wherever we wish to go.  Perhaps we’re watching television and an ad hooks into some fantasy we have in our mind and convinces us the world is at our beck and call.   We are omnipotent again, just as we were in infancy – “Your Majesty the Baby!”

But what would such a “magical” life yield in terms of change and growth?  Why would we even bother to strive if we could have everything we want or crave?  We would be the same at age fifty as we were at thirty and fifteen and five months – “Your Majesty the Baby!”

We need change and for the most part a majority of us are able to welcome it, even if change means some difficult growing pains.  With a little guidance from the Universe, we can strive toward an abundance of goodness.  We are omnipotent, but we are not alone.  We are part of a human community, and we can be in touch with that Power which is beyond ourselves.  That is the real miracle!

 


You Are In Integrity

“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen

 

Gemini Personality Traits v. Taurus

According to astrology, people who are born between the dates, 20th April and 21st May, are Taurus, while those who are born between May 21st and June 21 are Gemini.

Taurus Characteristics

On the positive side, people born under the sign of Taurus are very reliable people, who believe in fulfilling their duties, both professionally and personally. Taurus people are the “home loving” kind, who like to take care of their families and loved ones. Taurus people also love the material things in life. They want to live in the best of houses with the best of interiors and the most beautiful man or woman as their partner.

Highly determined and stubborn, people born under the sign of Taurus never ever change their mind or opinions, about anything. They can also be very rigid and argue for hours together, just to prove their point. A fiery temperament is something that most Taurus people hide well under their cool exteriors. If ever provoked, the person on the receiving end will certainly suffer.

Gemini Characteristics

Those born under the sign of Gemini are very intelligent and bright, making them the center of attraction in any party or group. They are also born flirts, and with their natural talent for communication, and can sweep any person off their feet. Gemini’s are also very independent and do not like people telling them what to do or not to do in life. Gemini’s are great at multi tasking and can work equally well at a number of projects simultaneously.
Despite these positive Gemini traits, Gemini’s do have a few drawbacks. Gemini can be very reckless at times, making other people believe that they cannot be trusted. They are also often thought to be fickle minded, as they seldom finish the jobs that they take upon themselves. Indecisiveness is another Gemini trait, which baffles people who come in contact with Gemini’s.

Taurus and Gemini Compatibility

If you look at the Taurus and Gemini traits, it may seem at first that Gemini and Taurus compatibility is almost impossible. Taurus is strong, silent and slow, while Gemini’s are reckless, chatty and fast. They are completely opposite to each other, making Taurus/Gemini compatibility difficult. However, as is said that opposites do attract each other, so there can definitely be something in each of them which may lead to an attraction, making Taurus/Gemini match a possibility.

Gemini’s are indecisive and have a lot of nervous energy in them. The strength and maturity of a Taurus acts like a soothing ointment, making them feel calm and at peace. At the same time, Gemini’s fresh ideas and new ways of looking at life can inspire the Taurus and he can get a new perspective on life, by just being in the Gemini’s company. If both Taurus and Gemini are able to admire and appreciate these qualities in each other, and learn from each other, then Taurus Gemini friendship compatibility and even Taurus Gemini love compatibility can happen.

Taurus and Gemini Sexual Compatibility

Taurus loves a challenge and Gemini is very sexy to Taurus. Ruled by Mercury, Gemini has both beauty and brain. Taurus is an Earth sign and is of course grounded and needs security that Gemini may not give over time. This can drive Taurus to a breaking point. There is potential here as long as both are seeking drama, sporadic separations and dramatic reunions. To make a relationship work, Taurus should give Gemini lots of freedom and Gemini will have to tone down his or her carefree ways. Taurus should stay a mystery to Gemini for best results. Sex can be either horrible or amazing. A one-night stand will leave a lasting impression. Both signs will need to make many compromises if a long-term relationship is desired. Compatibility between these two signs is generalized and for greater accuracy, one’s planets, rising signs and other astrological aspects should be thoroughly explored.

Embracing the New ~ Imbolc

 

“An old error is always more popular than a new truth.” — German Proverb

The Wiccan celebration and ritual for Imbolc is fast approaching February 2nd. Imbolc brings the end of winter and of course a time of great change toward spring. Spring, even here in the desert southwest means new, rebirth, regeneration. I find that I often feel uncomfortable with the new because it causes me to reach out and expand my vision.  This may be painful and I don’t like the pain that comes with change.

My life at times is cozy and gives me a curious kind of comfort and reassurance.  When lonely or anxious or hopeless, I have at times turned toward unhealthy behaviors.  I am used to it and don’t need to do much to keep on going in the same old way.

Suddenly, I have seen the error of my ways.  Discovery, disgrace, legal issues, isolation, despair, the loss of a partner, the contempt of friends – all possible consequences of that cozy, complacent turn to my old behavior.  Yes, I may have awakened one day to find that my old behavior ruined my life!  This awareness has caused me to begin reaching out for the hard process of change.

Making difficult change is painful, but that pain is preferable to the agony caused by the inevitable outcome of unhealthy behaviors.


Ask for Help

 

“Asking for help does not mean we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.” — Anne Wilson Schaef

I’ve received a lot of help lately. Most from my dearest friend and some from people I never imagined I would receive so much of their time or efforts.  I don’t like to ask.  I’ll spend more energy talking about how hard it is for me to ask, than the energy I’d expend simply asking for what I need.

Many of us may have grown up in isolation and with shame being constantly reinforced the way I did.  Help began to feel like a luxury reserved for other people.  I thought I didn’t deserve it.   I thought I should be able to handle everything.  I failed to realize just when I needed help, because I’m so accustomed to living life in a “crisis mode.”  I tell myself that my concerns and problems aren’t important enough to bother somebody with.  Then, when life becomes really complicated, I blame myself for feeling overwhelmed and almost unable to act.

But we all deserve help.  We deserve all the help that we may want and need, whether it’s a ride to an appointment or for someone’s shoulder to cry on when we’re sad or upset.  We are worth the time, effort and concern of others – not because any of us is different, but because we are the same.

Related Articles

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected
 

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

 

“Kindness it is that brings forth kindness always.” –Sophocles

 

“That guy on Facebook is being a total ass to me today.”

“What the fuck is her problem?  Did you see how that woman just looked at me?”

“That is so fucked up!  What’s wrong with this world?”

— Mark on a bad day.

 

“Bitch, bitch, bitch. That’s all you seem to be doing today” my friend Scott said to me; after listening to me spew negativity for a bulk of one morning together. His words got my attention.  Why would I blame the world, when it’s me that is out of sorts?

Life after all, is neutral.  It is our moods and attitudes that affect our view of things and the responses we receive.  If we are seeing life through the dark glasses of downheartedness, then we can’t blame the world for seeing grim.

I know that when I’m at ease with myself and feel at home in my life, other people seem friendly and serene.  A smile begets a smile; the simplest greeting elicits a friendly response.  And when I’m considerate to a neighbor or friend; it sets good deeds in motion.  Kindness is contagious.  I really do believe that it is kindness and love that make the world a brighter, better place.



MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

 

I Feel As Though I’ve Lost My Way In This World

 

“If you are alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”  — Source unknown.

 

My life seems so incredibly fucked up now.  Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity.  Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life.  No one really knew who I was back then.  The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to still bear.  I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty.  I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today and not the fool I was before.  Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt.  I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support.  How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get?  The problems I face in my life now contribute to anxiety and that feeling of being “lost.”  I have people; friends or “family of choice” with one best friend Trish who is so calm, patient and willing to learn, that I truly know what unconditional love feels like. She very well could be that angel I’ve asked for!

When does it ever stop?  What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear?  When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past?  How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid?  I have begged for their help.  Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice.  I would do what I could.  I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth.  I’ve learned so much along the way, but now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my solution to my challenges.  I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on.  I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

Please, send me an angel…

 


MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

About Gemini

DailyHoroscope.net a Resource for Zodiac Sign Gemini

I’ve discovered a useful app for all of us Gemini’s interested in following our horoscope or for those that love us! It’s called DailyHoroscope.net. Available on Facebook, MySpace and even outside of social networking sites. The service is free. All zodiac signs are available through the site as well. Available at:

http://apps.facebook.com/daily-horoscope/index.php

About the Gemini

Adaptable, Versatile, Communicative, Witty, Intellectual, Eloquent, Youthful and Lively

Nervous, Tense, Superficial, Inconsistent, Cunning and Inquisitive

Gemini’s are curious and intellectual by nature. They are forever exploring people and places in their quest to obtain knowledge. Bright, witty and outgoing, the Gemini charm guarantees they will be the center of attention in any crowd. Matching their intellect is a well-developed imagination.

The duality of the Gemini personality can make it difficult to know just whom you are dealing with. They sometimes seem fickle, flighty and susceptible to whim. These traits often make it difficult for Gemini’s to finish much of what they start. The other side of their dual personalities is they have an innate ability to multi-task, which is good since their interests are many and varied.

The Gemini Intellect is the key to their being, and provides the foundation for their skills in the art of communicating. Gemini’s are not born leaders and will usually defer that place to another. However, their clear thinking and creativity allow them to give positively to any project. While Gemini’s love to talk, they also make for a great audience. Overall, their light spirit and interest in almost everything make them wonderful company.

The Gemini In Love

Gemini’s love intelligent conversation, so the way to the Geminian heart is through the head. The Geminian is best involved with a steadier, stronger personality who will tolerate and enjoy their butterfly socializing, yet still be there for them when the cards have all blown down. They are willing to experiment with all ways of relationship styles; and as long as their partner is articulate, tolerant, exciting, adventurous and willing to discuss their exploits in detail, they will be ecstatic.

Because Gemini is not above straying, they are rather divorce prone. However, typically they think the joys of an occasional adventure more than make up for the risks involved. Gemini’s are exciting companions who crave excitement and variety. They assume they will be able to easily smooth over troubled waters with their silver tongue–they are tolerant of the peccadilloes of their partners, so long as they are not stolid or boring.

Famous Gemini Include: H.R.H. Philip (Duke of Edinburgh), Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle, Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Bob Hope, John F Kennedy, Walt Whitman, Al Jolson, Bob Dylan, Thomas Hardy, Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Stravinsky, Confucius, Kirk Kerkorian and Paul McCartney

Ideal Jobs Include:

Gemini’s are well-suited to be explorers, writers, merchants, translators, publicists or talk show hosts.

Lucky Numbers:

3, 12, 21, 30, 48, 47

Planet: Mercury

Star Stone: Moss Agate

Element: Air

Most Compatible With: Libra, Aquarius, or Gemini

Adapted from DailyHoroscopes.net on Facebook

http://apps.facebook.com/daily-horoscope/index.php

Check out my blogs about the personality traits and compatibility of Gemini with other signs on NetworkedBlogs on Facebook. Available at:

https://christophersmark.wordpress.com/?s=gemini