Blog Archives

You Are In Integrity

“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen

 

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Feeling is the Inner Life

Expression is the Outer Life

I’ve realized that there’s a difference between my ability to feel, my ability to express my feelings, and my ability to let go.  I know there are many painful emotions I learned to suppress when I was young, particularly anger or sadness.  Other emotions might be difficult to feel because they are connected to past pain.

Yet there’s no letting go, no moving on, until I stop trying to avoid feelings such as sorrow, anger, rage or despair.  I have found the way to begin working through difficult feelings is to reach out to people with a phone call, email, or blog comment.  Other ways I have found to help are writing (blogging or journaling); having a good cry, or plan a healing ritual which can be as simple as taking a couple of days alone, just to think.  For some of us, turning to our Higher Power, as we know it provides the spiritual help and nourishment we need.

The release that will come as a result of expressing our feelings will help to ease the pain.  It’s not realistic to release all the pain from our past all at once, but we can begin by letting go of a little piece today.

A Moment of Awareness is a Moment of Grace

My inside, listen to me, the greatest spirit,

The Teacher, is near,

wake up, wake up!

Oh, friend, I love you, think this over

Carefully! If you are in love,

then why are you asleep?

— Anonymous

I know when I have met a challenge in my life; when I become suddenly aware of new knowledge. It’s as if a light goes on, and things suddenly make sense. One friend of mine refers to this as “a blinding flash of the obvious.” It’s important to take such a moment of awareness seriously; it is a cue that a lesson has been learned and that it’s time to move on.

In the past, not trusting myself and not in touch with my connectedness to the Universe, I relied on unhealthy ways to make sense of my life. The more I used intellect and will to manage and run my life, the less I accomplished.

A moment of awareness is a moment of grace. It’s as if the Universe gives us a wonderful gift, and we can turn right around and say, “So that’s what this is all about!” Receptiveness to such a moment gives us the willingness to trust where we have been and the strength to go where our life calls us next. I will always cherish the awareness in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dispute Leads to Anger and Vindictiveness

 

“Only that action is just which does not harm either party to a dispute.” — Gandhi

Most of the disputes I have occur when I realize I have been lied to. I hate being lied to. I’m not stupid. I want to know that I’m dealing with people in “reality” rather than a fictitious world made up through lies. I find myself occasionally embroiled in a bitter dispute and feel determined at all costs to back a person into a corner to get them to admit to their lie, or to impose my solution to the dispute, even though I know it may cause the other person harm. I have come to know that I don’t really want a solution at all; I want revenge.

The wish to harm others may be derived from feeling that I have been hurt, perhaps as a child. I may be recalling feelings of being neglected, misunderstood, or even abused and assaulted. So to me, in my mind, the world owes me something and I intend to collect. I may even bear grudges and resentments against successful people, not because they have done me wrong, but merely because they are – successful.

I need to let my shame and sorrow out into the clear light of day. By opening myself up to others, I will surely find that together we can defuse my anger and want to hurt others. I can stand on equal footing with others and have no more need for resentment and rage.

I know that I am gradually getting rid of my secret shame that causes me to act out of anger and vindictiveness.

 

When You Find it Difficult to Find the Words

My first attempt at blogging began in 2005 on what was then Yahoo’s “360” page; Yahoo’s attempt at developing an option to MySpace.  I wasn’t sure at first what I’d write about.  I considered the process of blogging as similar to the process of my daily journal entries I make (written as though no one will read my entries but me); blogging is written with the understanding that the entire world has access to read.  My awkward attempts began with simple posts that included personal information I felt someone could relate to or may find interesting.

I soon realized that people reading my blogs were hungry for more blogs specific to crystal meth, spirituality, gay relationships, relationships affected by severe mental illness (SMI) such as  paranoid schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, domestic violence in gay relationships and anything addressing the sharing of experiences along one’s path of personal growth.

I love writing and have made some very good efforts at expanding my writing style, to include short stories for children as well as poetry.  The feedback I receive from readers is always welcome and often acknowledges my painstaking efforts to share with rigorous honesty.

Some days, I can’t seem to connect with any one topic at all, and the words I search for to describe my feelings aren’t there.  I may be tired, depressed, anxious, worried or any other emotion that blocks my ability to write.  Unable to write, I found myself getting lost in my other world of digital art, photography and photo editing. The first time I experienced “writer’s block” I resorted to posting an image I had found which conveyed a message and required nothing more from me. That first image was the one in this blog today.  As I read the words in the image above, I slowly began to relate to them in my own feelings.

If you are a committed blogger like me, give yourself permission to be easy on yourself some days.  Post a picture or image that you feel may share a story with your readers.  It’s OK to take the easier route some days!

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? – Amy Winehouse

mark-candle

Tonight you’re mine completely.
You give your love so sweetly.
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes.
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
or just a moment’s pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken.
And you say that I’m the only one, the only one, yeah.
But will my heart be broken
when the night meets the morning star?

I’d like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

— Amy Winehouse

The beginning of a new relationship brings many questions to mind, especially when both individuals have to take care of their own needs first.  To love another, one must first love himself.

Suffering

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”  -E.H. Chapin-

 

When I am suffering I wondered this morning, what do I usually do with it?  Do I use it as a reason to abuse myself, shame myself or hate myself?  Do I turn to my former unhealthy behaviors from the pain that is part of the suffering?

When I was acting out, I suffered, I felt pain, but I usually did not understand why.  The suffering and pain that accompanies me along my path of personal and spiritual growth is quite different – it leads me to healing, or at least it will if I let it.  Sometimes I can turn my pain over to the Universe, trusting that my pain is there to help me grow, and that it will pass.  This can help me believe that my pain has a true purpose.

My feelings, no matter how difficult some of them are to feel, are supported by the compassion I am learning to feel myself and the compassion the Universe feels for me.  I can choose to look at my pain in the light of recovery.  It won’t last forever; I will survive!