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I Feel As Though I’ve Lost My Way In This World

 

“If you are alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”  — Source unknown.

 

My life seems so incredibly fucked up now.  Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity.  Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life.  No one really knew who I was back then.  The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to still bear.  I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty.  I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today and not the fool I was before.  Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt.  I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support.  How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get?  The problems I face in my life now contribute to anxiety and that feeling of being “lost.”  I have people; friends or “family of choice” with one best friend Trish who is so calm, patient and willing to learn, that I truly know what unconditional love feels like. She very well could be that angel I’ve asked for!

When does it ever stop?  What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear?  When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past?  How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid?  I have begged for their help.  Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice.  I would do what I could.  I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth.  I’ve learned so much along the way, but now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my solution to my challenges.  I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on.  I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

Please, send me an angel…

 


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Impatience!

 

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Experience has taught me this, that we undo ourselves by impatience.  Misfortunes have their life and their limits, their sickness and their health. – Montaigne

I don’t feel as though I’m on the right path toward personal growth.  Nothing feels like it’s working.  I am misunderstood.  Nothing is going well at home or in my personal life.  I just don’t feel as though I can see it through.  Why doesn’t someone help me?

Impatience! I become fretful and blame everyone else for my own shortcomings.

Impatience! I lose touch with the tempo of life and my own particular rhythm.

Impatience!

I am convinced that my addiction and emotional issues will never cease tormenting me. I better slow down and get back in touch with life’s beautiful movement.  I know that all things have their season and their motion and ultimately their end.  It may feel like winter to me now, but here in Phoenix, summer will be here tomorrow!  Nothing remains motionless; everything changes and grows.  There is a pattern to life; if I am patient enough to see it.  I need to slow it all down, get in touch with the rhythms of my life and life outside me.