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You Are In Integrity

“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen

 

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Procrastination

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“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.” –Katharine Hepburn

I have deadlines in my life that I must meet. Don’t we all? There are bills to pay, appointments to make, responsibilities at work or home, kids, pets, school and all the innumerable small markers that push life forward.

When I realize that I’m procrastinating I need to be committed to not shaming myself. Procrastination does not indicate failure. How realistic would it be if we looked forward to doing unpleasant things? It’s human to avoid what we’d rather not be doing.

I find that as I free myself from the burden of perfectionism, I’m free to better accept my responsibilities. Meeting deadlines as well as we can, one at a time, has a pay off in serenity and manageability of life. When we’re crisis ridden, we’re forced to live by other individual’s demands, rather than our own choices.

So, in the face of procrastination, forgive yourself, laugh at yourself, live fully in the present and keep going. After all, tomorrow can be better than yesterday.

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Procrastination is no Friend of Mine

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But yet, my life is riddled with procrastination. As a result, I have issues, dilemmas, unresolved business, projects gone uncompleted, money left uncollected, bills – many bills overdue and pushing me into bankruptcy, all because I procrastinate. My procrastination is a fear based reaction, or inaction if you will. You know, I can’t even bring myself to go to the mailbox at all to check the mail? I feel that so much doom and gloom is inside those envelopes, that I’m afraid to even get them out of the box. Christopher is the brave soul in our family that make the daily trek to the mailbox to bring home whatever news may be contained within those envelopes.

 

I have a legal issue hanging over my head, and I owe about $1500 in fines to the municipal court. No opportunity has been given for a payment plan, since I don’t have the money. The judge wants me to pick up trash along side Phoenix roadways and freeways, even parks. Given my health status, there’s no way that I would have the stamina to pull that one off as community service. Even with a note from my doctor indicating I wouldn’t be able to perform the duties of that particular community service, there is no other option. I have to go down to the courthouse and try and get on the judges court docket so that I can appear before the judge and plead for a payment plan. After my last visit to his honor’s courtroom, I’m afraid to face him again. It was one of the worst experiences I have had. If I don’t deal with this situation, and the fines go unpaid and sent to a collection agency, a warrant will go out for my arrest. Should that happen, my Social Security Disability Claim will go on hold, which will put a severe strain on Christopher and me financially. Once my fines are paid, it takes a lot of effort to get through all of the red tape to get my claim back on track. I’ve already had my driver’s license suspended, so I can’t drive.

 

The damn car is missing too, which makes matters worse. And quite honestly, I couldn’t tell you if it was stolen or towed. When the tags were taken after my citation for driving with a suspended registration and no financial responsibility (i.e. no car insurance), the car could have gotten towed at the last apartment we were renting, or it could very well have been stolen. We have never received any communication that the car has been towed, and of course even though I have had the phone number of the towing company, I never called to see if it was in their possession. I didn’t call the police either. To make this judge happy, and for him to believe that I’m not going to be driving around without insurance and a registration, I have to show proof that the car has been abandoned, or stolen. Just more “stuff” that I have to deal with.

 

For more than five years now I’d say, I have been aware that a company I formerly owned is owed about $300 in commissions by a small insurance company we used only once. It seems they lost track of us, and we show up on one of those “unclaimed funds” lists. Every year someone reminds me that my name showed up on the list. But do I deal with it? Of course not.

 

My procrastinating behavior is annoying to those close to me. It should. To them it seems as though nothing ever gets done. I find I work best from lists, and that my mood plays a significant role in my level of procrastination. Depression certainly plays a part, but so does my hypo manic or manic phases. I can be just too damned distracted to take care of business, or be just too “full of myself” on some days. There are days however, when I’m just too tired, or feeling too anxious about my health, the amount of time here or what it will be like for me to transition to clear enough space in my mind to think about making a list, or considering the priorities of that which is outstanding. I’d like to change completely, and be a person who has initiative, motivation and will power. I’m not sure it will be a lesson I master in this life time, but I shall certainly keep trying!