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You Are In Integrity

“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen

 

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Silva Mind Body Healing

I’ve blogged several times about how much the Silva Method of Mind Control has helped me in my life. Recently, I came across this very comprehensive website –   and yes its goal is to sell something, but please check out its content.  http://www.silvamindbodyhealing.com/

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For Every Person and Unhealed Relationship

 

 

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“For every person in your past with whom you feel unhealed but unable to go back and resolve, there is someone standing before you offering you the opportunity to practice the healing you believe you missed.” — Alan Cohen


How Worthwhile I am; How Richly I am Blessed

 

envy-hatred 

“Envy is more implacable than hatred.” – de La Rochefoucauld

 

Many of us, at times, have felt envious of other people.  We envy those who have what we want: more money, more self-confidence, a happy relationship, a more interesting life.  We may have defined our desires according to maligned values which told us we needed more, always more. 

If we look beneath our envy, what will we find?  Sadness?  Anger?  Feelings of deprivation?  These are real emotions, reflecting perhaps childhoods and present lives spent struggling with loss.  No wonder we lapse into envy; it’s painful to face the magnitude of the losses we’ve endured and the needs that have gone unmet. 

One way I am discovering to get beyond envy is to work toward healing the past by filling up the present.  We can recognize that envy is corrosive and disrespectful.  It turns people we envy into objects and separates us from them.  Peace of mind comes from living in the present and being comfortable with who we are.  We can’t live someone else’s life, only our own.

Gemini ~ Naturally Bipolar and Anxious

 

I am bipolar and within the last year or so, have begun to experience severe anxiety and panic. In late December I had meltdown of incredible proportions. The extreme anxiety disorder is new for me; haunting me for a little more than a year now. Anxiety so strong, and triggered by the actions of my partner. For several years, he has promulgated a new behavior, “Babe, I’m just running up to the 7 Eleven to get some cigarettes; I’ll be back in twenty-five minutes.” As he walks out the door I always say, “Take your cell phone with you,” which he already has in hand.

That promised “twenty-five minutes” turns out to be days that he is away from home, not answering his cell phone or even calling. I refer to it as my partner “going missing.” My reaction begins with worry. Then I may happen upon something on the computer exposing the person he would be meeting and what they would be doing. A friend of mine has a husband who has nearly same behavior. She calls this type a “player” explaining that these types of men want to still run the streets, cheat on their partners or spouses. The “player” behavior is incongruent with the committed relationship my partner and I have. This friend’s advice to me was to be proud that it is me he eventually comes home to, giving me parts of himself his hookups never see. To this I say, “bullshit.”

Player my ass. My worry then turns to anger. I can’t sleep. I start calling my partner’s phone over and over. He calls it “psycho dialing.” The anger then turns to tears. I cry as I wander through the house, “What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong.” My speech becomes so slurred and difficult to understand that it has been described as though I had a stroke. Lately, I noticed a pain in my chest along with a rapid and what I describe as “fluttering” heart. Irritability for me is a sign that I am swinging toward the maniacal part of bipolar. Then deep depression, laced with that wicked anxiety and panic. I began taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication called Ativan. I was eating it like candy.

This most recent December meltdown grew so out of control I felt as though the only way to be free of it would come through ending my life. I have been in this cold place before and placed a call to the behavioral health crisis line associated with my health insurance. I was referred to the Maricopa County Hospital. There I was checked out and cleared medically and it was suggested I sign myself in to St. Luke’s Behavioral Health. I’ve been there before too. St. Luke’s worked for me before. Back in 2005 I nearly ended my life with a mantra in my head, “I hate my life, I hate my life.” After two months they helped me see the world differently and I left there with a new mantra, “I love my life, I love my life!” I felt safe returning there.

I worked hard over the next three weeks, finding that each time I told my story, I felt more at ease and could see the flaws in my relationship. I realize the degree of my co-dependency and made a commitment to attend CODA (a twelve step group for co-dependents). I was placed under the care of the psychiatrist who followed me last admission. He wanted to take my treatment further than I agreed to last time. In my first admission, he suggested ECT (Electro Convulsive Treatment.) I refused it then because of the loss of one’s short-term memory as a side effect of the treatment. But this time felt different to me and I agreed to begin the treatment.

Suffering

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”  -E.H. Chapin-

 

When I am suffering I wondered this morning, what do I usually do with it?  Do I use it as a reason to abuse myself, shame myself or hate myself?  Do I turn to my former unhealthy behaviors from the pain that is part of the suffering?

When I was acting out, I suffered, I felt pain, but I usually did not understand why.  The suffering and pain that accompanies me along my path of personal and spiritual growth is quite different – it leads me to healing, or at least it will if I let it.  Sometimes I can turn my pain over to the Universe, trusting that my pain is there to help me grow, and that it will pass.  This can help me believe that my pain has a true purpose.

My feelings, no matter how difficult some of them are to feel, are supported by the compassion I am learning to feel myself and the compassion the Universe feels for me.  I can choose to look at my pain in the light of recovery.  It won’t last forever; I will survive!