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You Are In Integrity

“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen

 

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I Feel As Though I’ve Lost My Way In This World

 

“If you are alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”  — Source unknown.

 

My life seems so incredibly fucked up now.  Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity.  Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life.  No one really knew who I was back then.  The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to still bear.  I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty.  I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today and not the fool I was before.  Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt.  I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support.  How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get?  The problems I face in my life now contribute to anxiety and that feeling of being “lost.”  I have people; friends or “family of choice” with one best friend Trish who is so calm, patient and willing to learn, that I truly know what unconditional love feels like. She very well could be that angel I’ve asked for!

When does it ever stop?  What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear?  When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past?  How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid?  I have begged for their help.  Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice.  I would do what I could.  I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth.  I’ve learned so much along the way, but now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my solution to my challenges.  I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on.  I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

Please, send me an angel…

 


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The Priceless Gift of Personal Growth

“We live each day with special gifts that are a part of our very being, and life is a process of discovering and developing these God-given gifts within each one of us.” – Jeanne Dixon

As I continue along my path of personal growth, I discover ways to share myself with other people. I feel the want to act on things I’ve learned and to apply them in my relationships. This way, I can pass on to others the awareness and knowledge I have been given.

This wonderful urge to take action should be followed, not resisted. A spiritual awakening is just that – an awakening of the spirit, which then seeks to be part of all life itself.

When we discover our talents, whatever they are, we will be true to them and look for opportunities to use them. The challenge of doing this lets such qualities as integrity, courage, self-discipline and compassion to rise to the surface, where they become part of our daily practice. The alignment of who we are on the outside with who we are on the inside is a priceless gift that is received as the result of hard work toward personal growth.

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What’s Your Mood Today?

To Answer, Be Honest With Yourself


“In an honest man there is always something of a child” — Martial —

Why is it that sometimes I can talk about a problem and still not feel better? Usually, that’s a sign to keep talking. As I go through a discovery process about something that’s bothering me, or what my mood may be today, it’s possible that I have left out important information. Or, I might not know how I feel – the words are there, but only on a rational, intellectual level. The hurt, sadness, anger, joy, or resentment is missing.

Maybe I haven’t been able to admit my feelings, even to myself. That can be the hardest part of working through a problem, even harder than being honest with another person. To be comfortable enough with my feelings to always know how I feel is a lifelong process, and one I will never perfect. But I know that the more honest I am with myself, the more accepting I’ll be as well. That’s a gift I can give myself every day.  Today, I’m going to allow my feelings to guide me to be more honest. I no longer have to keep secrets from myself, or others.


Who is it? Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

 

“No legacy is so rich as honesty.” — Shakespeare

Only recently, have I begun the long, slow process of reconnecting with family and friends whom I abandoned when I chose a life of addiction and lies.  Are they running toward me with outstretched arms, embracing this new and improved me?  No.  I didn’t expect them to either.

You see, I spent much of my life living a lie.  I was split into two people, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and one of the two could never speak out, tell the truth or own up. Mr. Hyde gradually took over until everything was fraud, deception and betrayal.  And finally, I came to see my life in ruins.

So began my path toward sobriety, clean living and personal growth.  This meant Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – the two sides of me, had to find a way to work together.  I knew I had to win the trust and confidence of both fellows before one tore the other to pieces.

There is one way in: honesty.  I came to know that Mr. Hyde works in the darkness of deceit and opens up to the light that steams in when I speak openly and honestly.  And this light endures: honesty doesn’t only give momentary insight; it leaves a legacy that lasts a lifetime.

Honesty

 be-honest

Honesty: The open quality of truthfulness, straightforward sincerity.

An honest person can be trusted to be straightforward and sincere.  Telling the truth and being sincere help to develop honesty.

I received this “Honesty” figurine from a very special person, at a time when I was facing a decimated life, a result of my seemingly endless, perhaps even sociopathic ease with being a dishonest person.  Through these lessons, I have become the man of integrity I am today.  I am an honest person.  It has been said that those that chose to remove me from their life due to my dishonesty in the past, now wish I could have been as honest then, as I am now.  There is a feeling of disappointment and loss.  Life would be so different today, had I chosen a path of honesty.

I can’t imagine how I could have done it before; being so incredibly dishonest in so many areas of my life.  It all seems so heavy to think back upon that time in my life.  My mother always said that I was a very bad liar.  She proved right on that point.  It was my inability to maintain and organize my lies; what I told to which person, and so on.  I made many mistakes, and my “cover” was blown.

This process of becoming an honest person in my journey of personal growth has been one that I shall always look upon with much joy.  It hasn’t been easy, but the life I have as a result, is easier.  I am not perfect.  I am an imperfect human trying to learn my way through this existence and lifetime.  I make mistakes; lie about something here or there, as anyone does.  In my awareness, I make every attempt to correct any misinformation and soon after spend time taking a look at the reason behind the lie.  Often, the lie comes from my fear of a certain reaction.  Or, the lie may stem from my own feelings of inadequacy.

– Be honest.  Admit mistakes.  Avoid cheating others –

Honesty is a Vital Step

Along the Path

 Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.  – Thomas Jefferson

 

We have to find our own way to wisdom, and the road may sometimes be long and hard.  How do we start?  How far do we have to go?  How do we know when we are there? 

     I found it helpful to travel the road with others.  Some of the time was in group therapy; other time was spent in various 12 Step groups.  There, we all were given the opportunity to be honest with ourselves and to trust our inner voice.  After a time, we were able to separate fact from fantasy and come to a mature perspective on our own conduct.

 We need courage to be rigorously honest.  It is so easy to gloss over yesterday’s slip or forget that our behavior has hurt a loved one.  We may wish to begin by listing our good qualities and our bad qualities.  This helps us get a sense of proportion and provides the basis for an assessment of those actions that have harmed others and ourselves.  Then we can decide about making amends to the people we have hurt.  We must realize that some of the hurts we have caused are too deep, preventing some loved ones from ever believing us again.  Going one small baby step at a time takes away our fear that we can never do it, never get there.  Honesty, like anything else, can be learned, with patience and love.  I want to continue to learn honesty and consider it to be a vital step along the path toward wisdom and serenity.