“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” — Henry Miller
Henry Valentine Miller (December 26, 1891 –– June 7, 1980) was an American novelist and painter. He was known for breaking with existing literary forms, developing a new sort of novel made up of autobiography, social criticism, philosophical reflection, surrealist free association and mysticism, one that is distinct always about and expressive of the real-life Henry Miller, and yet is also fictional. His works of this kind are Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn and Black Spring. Henry Miller also was known to write travel memoirs and essays of literary criticism and analysis.
It is good and healthy to laugh about sex – as long as the laughter is on the side of life. Sex, after all, is part of the life force, and if it is surrounded by caring and honesty, it leads to a joyous intensification of our relationship with others and with the world. Then sex, like laughter, integrates.
Too often, laughing about sex betrays uneasiness, shame, disgust, and the want to hurt. We talk about “dirty jokes” and consign sex to the bathroom. We split off sex from other feelings and surround it with taboos and rituals and mockery. Viewed in this way, sex isolates us.
We need to learn to talk about our sexuality in a proud and affirmative way. Talking and laughing in a group, or with a friend, or with a loved one, is one of the steps we take to bring sex into the open to take its place as part of the diversity of life. Own your sexuality. Talk about it without shame and claim it a vital part of life.
- Setting Healthy Boundaries (christophersmark.wordpress.com)
- Exploring Healthy Sexuality (christophersmark.wordpress.com)
- Let’s not talk about sex (guardian.co.uk)
Sexuality is not something we do, but its part of whom we are. We are physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual and spiritual people, and all parts are equally important. To consider sexuality as energy, a state of being, and not a state of activity, helps us bring our sexuality and our sexual expression back within ourselves.
Part of my challenge with sexuality is to explore what healthy sexuality is and to decide what my values and behaviors are going to be. I am responsible only for taking care of myself; it is not up to me to decide sexual issues for others or for society. It is more than enough to know my own needs and how I will meet them. I can give myself permission to put sexuality in its rightful place. It is an important part of who I am, but only a part, not the entire sum of my personality and being.
- The New Research Behind Sexual Orientation (socyberty.com)
- 10 Tips For Healthy Sexual Relationship (mademan.com)
- Not Enough Sex (huffingtonpost.com)
- Can Sexual Desire Remain Vital and Satisfying in Long-Term Relationships? (psychologytoday.com)
“Maybe you can’t see the storm that lies just ahead. But I can. Believe me, it’s there.”
Confronting issues openly and honestly can be difficult. Many, like me are afraid of the reaction they’ll get from the person they are confronting. With that fear firmly embedded in one’s psyche, looking the other way and acting like the problem isn’t there becomes the easy way out. Or so it seems. Looking the other way really doesn’t make matters easier at all. In fact, it makes them worse. Problems often just don’t go away without some action.
I haven’t faced some very big issues and challenges that have been in my life for too long now. But I see clearly that I can’t let these problems linger. In my situation the problems have grown and the result is more and more hurt to me. I feel fear of the reaction I expect to receive. My fears I know after giving it long thought are grounded in reality and not based on my imagination. To get myself beyond this fear, I will have to have the necessary support around me to protect me. With my support in place I will face my problems. I must remember that storms don’t last forever. Eventually the sun does shine again, and life was nourished by the rains. I will come out of this a better person.
I am 49 years old, and since coming out at the age of 18 in 1979, I have been in three significant relationships. The first ended after 16 ½ years, the second lasted 10 years and 5 years in my last. My first two previous relationships ended for the same basic reasons; my inability to be honest, my inability to be monogamous, and a pattern of dishonesty throughout the relationship. I am fortunate that I have been able to have some degree of ongoing, present day relationship with both of my former partners; however the hurts and the resultant emotional damage linger and prove to be a barrier to any deep or lasting friendship. In retrospect, there are many things I could have chosen to do differently in both relationships, though that is no guarantee that the outcome would have been different. In both prior relationships, my partner and I attended couples counseling which ultimately served as the platform for dissolution of the relationship.
Very few of us gays and lesbians have been fortunate enough to have had homosexual parents who could model for us the ideal gay or lesbian relationship – caring, growing, fun, mutually supportive – all within the context of a burgeoning gay culture. Most of us were stuck with parents of the heterosexual variety – good, bad, or indifferent as mates to each other and parents to us, but no help at all in fashioning our gay love life. Lacking marriage manuals, parental guidance and models of conjugal bliss on film and television, we’ve had to “wing it” when it came to putting together workable love and life partnerships. Intimate relationships are a tricky business at best. Without the sanctions and supports of society’s institutions (no positive messages at all), same-sex coupling presents a special challenge to the courage and ingenuity of lovers trying to build a life together.
At times, that challenge involves the same hassles that bewilder every couple trying to make a go of it. At other times, it involves bedevilment seemingly reserved only for gay lovers in an uptight and intransigent straight world. Same-sex couples?
These are the negative messages that I believe undermine, subvert and scare us into pale versions of our dream of love. Sometimes, I know from my life experience, I internalize these types of messages and once the tapes of these messages begin to play in my mind, they work against me from inside.
“My relationship can’t work, won’t last, and doesn’t count.”
I find myself undermining my own efforts by echoing society’s baseless pronouncements about us. Too often I allow these clichés to become self-fulfilling prophecies. The prophecy of doom comes true, in turn; reinforcing the clichés and making them seem as truth. I have swallowed these untruths and the cycle becomes complete. If I, along with my fellow gay and lesbian peers am ever going to bring order, reason and sense to our lives as gay people, we must learn to interrupt that cycle. We must learn to find our own homophobic messages. We must become alert to their presence in our thinking, to the ways in which we merge them into our view of ourselves and other gay people.
“It was so gay of him,” I heard someone say recently when describing the inconsiderate behavior of a peer. I believe we must catch each other at this, work together to break the vicious cycle. Only then will we be able to really honor our deeply felt need to love and affiliate with persons of the same-sex. Only then can we learn to believe in the rightness of gay love relationships because they are, for us, the morally correct, emotionally healthy and socially responsible ways to live our lives. Many nongay people would argue with this statement I have just made. Some gay people would probably even argue with it. Going against prevailing beliefs is always threatening, even when doing so is ultimately to our advantage.
What is the motivation to be in a coupled relationship in the first place? Why do it? When my last relationship ended in August of 2009, I promised myself that I would wait two years before considering a committed relationship. But a little more than a year into the “single life” finds me bored with shallow contacts cultivated through online “hook up” sites. Is it that subconsciously I believe variety to be the spice of life and satisfy that need through hookups? Courtship is exciting. But the freedom and independence of being single for the first time in my adult life felt good too. So why couple up? Am I just afraid of being alone?
The reasons I feel for coupling are very much the same in the gay and nongay communities and they produce the same problems. Being alone has never been a valued condition in American society, being paired is, and the pressure to do so is almost as great in the gay world as in the nongay. So, people seek coupling because:
It’s important to find a partner so others (and you) will know that you can do it
Searching is boring – all that small talk game playing, insincerity, superficiality.
Searching is risky. You can get set up, ripped off, done in by strangers who don’t know or care about you.
Searching is time-consuming. I could be building, earning, learning, planting, painting …doing.
Searching is nerve-wracking. You can be put down, found out, written off. Singles are socially out of it – unsafe to have around a carefully homogenized couple’s scene.
Loneliness feels bad.
When the partner search is motivated by such pressures, chances are the selection process will be short and probably short-sighted. That’s not a disaster, since the willingness to work on a relationship can overcome such a beginning. The real problem is that short-circuited partner selection too often results in the fallacy of “if only I had a partner, then . . .” turning into the follow of, “now that I have a partner, I will . . . “: be loved, involved, safe, using my time constructively, emotionally supported, socially sought after and lonely no more. And then you aren’t. At least not enough, not often enough.
Each time I have entered into a committed relationship, I have invested my partner with enormous, usually unwanted power over my life. Few of us hold up under such a burden. If it has to be because of my partner that I feel adequately loved, meaningfully engaged, safe from the cruelties and crudities of boors and evil-doers; if it because of him that I will be enabled to meet the intellectual and creative challenges of my potential, feel comfortable in your dealings with the world, invited to the most desirable parties and freed of the pain of aloneness, well, I don’t think anyone can handle all that responsibility. If all of this is happening in the underground of a relationship, we don’t have a chance to deal with it, to become aware of it, to understand it, to express how we feel about it, to divest ourselves of the awful responsibilities of it. So, we have to find a way to make these implicit expectations we may have of one another explicit.
What I have learned I must do is open awareness of my own and my partner’s expectations and learn to communicate about them. This is particularly important for gay and lesbian couples whose relationships have to be made strong from within, since the culture without contributes so little to our stability. So how do we get to our fantasies and illusions about each other? Here’s one approach that I have begun to consider:
Every human relationship is flawed. Each person brings to the relationship a plethora of accumulated behaviors, good and bad. Also brought into the relationship are tools and coping mechanisms that may be current or, outdated. In my present relationship each of us has brought major health challenges as well as mental illness. In all of my relationships, past and present, I found it frightening to fight. In my mind, discord might be signaling the end of the relationship. The tape in my head plays, “Can’t work. Won’t last. Doesn’t count. And we’re dancing to their tune again!” But turning away from conflict is turning away from reality.
Denying anger, until it explodes unexpectedly at a later date, is bewildering and potentially very damaging to a relationship. Dealing with it as directly as possible, when it is happening, is strengthening though it may be painful and frightening to do so. Fighting is a necessity in a thriving relationship. Fighting fairly and to the finish is essential to the continuing growth of any partnership.
Unfinished fights are usually aborted because of fear of losing or fear of exposing hurt feelings or concern over letting go of one’s emotions totally. Most of us have experienced these fears at one time or another. But unfinished fights leave the participants tense and anxious. If I may share with you what I have found to be true in my life, if you feel tense and anxious when you stop fighting, your fight is probably unfinished. You should continue trying to work through to the finish – that is, until the real, underlying issues are confronted.
When my earlier partners and I experienced a good fight, we as partners were aware that we were risking ourselves and we were willing to experience the discomfort that brings resolve to the conflict. In a good fight, we trusted each other enough to be honest about our feelings, about our grievances and what we want to be different in the future. The good fight ends in negotiation, with both of persons being clear about what is being asked for about change. There is accommodation on both sides. Nobody loses. Everybody wins.
We must be willing to fight with each other to discharge the tensions that relationship building inevitably brings. We must be willing to fight to work through the control issues that are part of every partnership. The more openly these issues are dealt with, the better chance my next partner and I have for a lively, satisfying, and enduring life together.
Much of what I have written about so far applies to both male and female couples, for that matter, to nongay as well as gay couples. There are some ways, however, in which liaisons between two women and between two men are unique. I believe these differences are, primarily, outcomes of the ways women and men are differently socialized in this society.
With only three primary love relationships in my history, all of which ended in very negative ways, I have been able to come away from those relationships with some new knowledge of myself, and the intricacies of being in relationship. In the minds of my former partners, I will never be able to get out from under the thoughts they may have of me, or their reactions triggered from their experience with me. However, I know that people can and will change. I have. And along with this change comes my perception of how to make a relationship work and that is what I am happy to share openly with you.
- In Love v. Being “In Love” (christophersmark.wordpress.com)
- Penguins have gay ‘flings’ but mate for life as heterosexual couple (dailymail.co.uk)
- Frederick Hertz: Is Gay Divorce Any Different Than Straight Divorce? (huffingtonpost.com)
“Loving v. Being in Love”
Someone said to me this morning that he believes it to be true, that people can be in love, but not “in” love. Now this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this belief stated. So, I wanted to venture off to do some research of my own on this “Loving versus “Being in Love” concept. I would have said being in love is the single most wonderful and important thing. It’s an arbiter of chemistry. However, I have found that like some, it may be argued that being in love is a short-lived sensation that is not sustainable. Perhaps loving and respecting someone are more important.
Being in love is short-lived:
At times I wonder if the sensation of being in love is a chemical imprinting phenomenon perhaps even exclusive to heterosexuals. The coveting, jealousy and exclusiveness might stem from the nature driven side of sex for reproduction; the desire to perpetuate ones offspring at the exclusion of competitors.
In our society, the traditional heterosexual marriage model is the only socially supported model for establishing and maintaining long-term sexual and affectional relationships among gays and lesbians. This model has never been really appropriate or functional for same sex relationships. Although many same-sex couples still try to adapt the marriage model in one form or another, most now avoid relationships that completely conform to it in favor of relationships in which roles are not so rigidly formulated by gender role stereotypes.
Naturally, this movement away from the marriage pattern, along with the realities of same-gender relationships, makes for differences between gay and non-gay partnerships. There are also differences between kinds of relationship characteristics typical of gay male and lesbian couples because of differences between genders and the ways men and women are socialized. These differences create different problems and raise different issues. In spite of these differences, however, there are some general relationship issues that are common to both gay and non-gay couples.
Same-sex relationships are similar to opposite-sex relationships in that they are both built on love, mutual caring, and trust, communication is an essential element to the continuing success of the relationship, and both must negotiate roles, rules, and expectations. One of the biggest differences between gay and non-gay relationships, however, is that same-sex relationships lack roles models.
This may sound unromantic but I think questioning the basis for behavior is at times important to evolve either into or beyond a state. All that you say resonates to be sure, yet too often have I seen madly passionate in-love individual’s burn out of their passions. “Quick to light, quickly to burn” I believe the old adage goes… And with it yes- the pain and fear…
Be assured I am not at all questioning our desire to feel in love; we all have this aspiration. I question only for myself, since my partner has communicated to me on several occasions that this kind of passion has changed for me and with it the feeling of being in love. I agree love and respect – are a given. Now rapture for someone must extend to a sense of great potential for that person as an individual and as a partner. Coveting and jealousy have evolved into deep feelings of contentment of knowing that you are watchful of and watched by someone. I can’t quite approximate the sensation with language but I am aware of the rare quality of a person from whom I seek to give and receive that type of attention; their vision and affection becomes integral to one’s evolution, not simply supportive of it. I recall the time when my last partner and I met, and those weeks and months in the beginning of our relationship that he and I were unable to make even simple eye contact with one another because the rapture, the overwhelming brilliance and joy seemed blinding. We could not look at each other without seeing a future- and yet, has that feeling not lasted? Was it meant to? Are all states of “being in love” eventually replaced by a deep mutual love, respect, affection, and (if lucky) persistent attraction.
Being in love is foundational:
Without a doubt, love and respect are centrally important. Without respect and trust you have nothing, maybe just some hormones.
However, there’s something Freud called ‘the over-valuation of the love object,’ and I think that’s essential. That’s the phenomenon of believing your love object is incredibly special, even if rationally you know that all people are imperfect. Your beloved’s eyes shine brighter, their remarks are cleverer, their smile is truer, their insights are more insightful, their comfort more comforting – generally that the world is a better place simply because they, apart from all others, are in it. Your life is a better and finer thing because that person is sharing it with you.
You have to feel that no substitute is possible because of the ineffable uniqueness and specialness of your loved one. And that feeling of eminence is partly delusional, and partly based on the lock-and-key-like fit of two unique yet compatible personalities coming together as they deepen their mutual understanding over time. To me, that set of feelings is “being-in-love,” and I believe no relationship can survive without. Without that feeling, you’re constantly aware that the world is full of adequate substitutes. I also believe that this sort of being-in-love is not short-lived but foundational, even if it goes through fluctuations and phases.
Love, however, is by comparison a relatively non-relational way of caring for someone: it means that you care about and are committed to someone else’s happiness and well-being around equally to your own, and are willing to put in work toward achieving that. This sort of love is altruistic and relatively selfless but it doesn’t draw you to someone and make you want to inhabit a private or exclusive sphere. That love you could have for a mother and a brother and humanity in general. It’s non-possessory. Does that make it a ‘better’ sort of love, higher, more virtuous? Perhaps, but also more tepid & impersonal, and lacking in any compelling sense of why you give love and effort to one person and not another.
In-love love is exclusionary, jealous, protective, devoted, involved, inspiring, and covetous (among other things). The flip side of being in love is the potential for real hurt and loss. And nearly everyone becomes more loss-averse and risk averse over time, as well as – more detrimentally – more self-protective and resilient. There are benefits, yet it means one build walls on all sides. So over time there’s a gap between one’s conceptual view of being-in-love and one’s ability to do it – or, really, to allow it.
The fact that it becomes harder or rarer doesn’t make it less real or less important.
As I get more experienced I find myself willing to compromise less and less. I know what works for me and even more so what does not. As for love, I have never been as hurt as when I have been in love. Similarly, I have never unintentionally hurt someone as much as when that person was in love with me and I was not (despite wanting to be). For that, I cannot apologize enough. Despite my outward rationality and coldness, I am a romantic at heart. And, as an eternal optimist, I continue to believe in the archetypal importance of being in love.
- The Rules of Relationships (psychologytoday.com)
- Two Unique Sexual Beings In One Relationship (psychologytoday.com)
- Can We Extend Love to Those Who Love Differently From Us? (socyberty.com)
- I want to be a better lover (vanguardngr.com)
“I’d never seen men hold each other. I thought the only thing they were allowed to do was shake hands or fight.” —Rita Mae Brown
Like many men, I grew up without knowing the warmth of lovingly touching one another. Some of us had fathers who trapped themselves in a stereotypical male role, afraid to hold us and show their love for us. We may have learned to be independent, competitive, and even separate. We often fall into awkwardness and isolation. As men especially, we become afraid to reach out, hug, and hold someone of our own sex. So many of us, whether male or female, have lost touch with ourselves and with others. We have been alone far too long.
One result when pursuing personal growth is the awareness and beginning of healthy and proper holding of one another and giving hugs. At first, we may find it embarrassing and keep our distance. As we learn to loosen up and reach out, we look forward to the warmth and strength that comes from giving and receiving a friendly, caring hug. It is good to learn to touch in a fearless and nonsexual way. I am glad to be in touch with other people through hugging and holding.
- Reach Out and Touch Someone (psychologytoday.com)
- “How Does The Military Prove That Someone Is Gay?” (andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com)
- Same-sex hand holding (Sshh!) (pinkbananaworld.com)
Make You Feel My Love
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I’ve known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I’d go hungry
I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there’s nothing
That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
Sung by Adele – 19
Occasionally I enjoy sharing lyrics from songs which mean a great deal to me; poignant expressions of where I’m at in life. Adele’s new album “21” will be available soon.
- Adele: New Record is ‘Quite Different’ (spin.com)
- Adele Gets Her ‘Revenge’ With Rick Rubin’s Help — Exclusive Video (spinner.com)
- v Song Quotes About Love (mademan.com)
A few years ago, I found a new “hobby” of sorts in digital photography, and the photo editing I realized I could do through various editing programs. Starting with the most simple of editing programs, I began to turn what seemed an ordinary photos in to something quite – extraordinary. This photo, called “Glory Hole” began as an edit of photo of a television screen.
This is a re-post of this blog/photo. Interestingly, it is the second most viewed blog on any one of my three web blog sites!
The term “glory hole” originated as a mining expression. Obviously, the meaning has evolved over the years to one of an adult connotation. Any adult reader who doesn’t know what a glory hole is, click the link.