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What I Want is to be Myself Again

mark blue

I’m learning that when we lose faith in our feelings, we lose faith in ourselves and become outer-directed. That is, we look to the world to tell us how to feel and what to do.  We seek approval and love from others so we can prove to ourselves that we are worthy.  Paradoxically, to be outer-directed is to be self-absorbed. How can this be?  We feel so unsure of who we are , that we cannot let go, be spontaneous or real.We can reclaim ourselves by becoming inner-directed.  This means looking within ourselves for the direction we need.  When we’re just beginning to learn to trust our feelings, this can seem to be truly agonizing.  It means trusting the reality of our needs and our right to express them.  Only then can we find the faith in ourselves and in life, that we have lacked.

Becoming inner-directed takes self-acceptance and self-love.  It also takes time. Until then, there will be no real peace because it is the only way to find ourselves.

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I Am Being Looked After

 

I Will Continue to Fulfill My Commitments to Peace and Grace

 

“Can such thing be, and overcome us like a summer’s cloud, without our special wonder?” — William Shakespeare

 

To overcome my feeling of being lost, alone and afraid; overwhelmed by the challenges I now face, I am going through my “tool belt” of coping mechanisms that I have added along life’s way.  To reclaim my ability to take part again in life, I have discovered that I must reclaim the gift of commitment.  I have many personal commitments: living life fully and authentically, my growing spirituality, working on my special relationships with my closest friends and sharing my experiences of personal discovery and growth through my writing.  I have come to realize that it is a moment of wonder when we have something in our lives that requires the best we have to give.

During times of doubt or struggle, I find myself questioning what I’ve gotten myself into. But an activity or a person to which we give ourselves wholly and freely is evidence of a force greater than ourselves at work in our life.  I believe my commitments are something the Universe has asked me to do and I know absolutely and without a doubt that the Universe will help me take care of meeting all of them.

Money, support and the energy and enthusiasm needed will come as well and at the perfect time.  Although it may seem that things may not be going my way, I can trust that the Universe is giving to me all that I need so that my lessons can be learned and tasks can be accomplished.  This knowledge and belief helps to keep my spirits up.  Each day I have before me a wonderful opportunity to fulfill my commitments in peace and grace.  I am being looked after.


 

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Wisdom Comes From Within

Learn From Your Mistakes

Wisdom rises upon the ruins of the folly.” – Thomas Fuller

I have gained knowledge from other people, but I have learned that wisdom comes from within.  We all must live our own lives, profiting from our blunders along the way and learning from our experiences.  Nobody can do these things for us.

Part of living is making mistakes.  Some of us have to keep on making the same mistakes until we suddenly have a discovery (an “Aha!” moment) and meet a new perspective on ourselves and our actions.  I often feel as though I am never going to be ready for the next step – and then suddenly I find myself taking the next step and I realize I have come through.  I think I’m not going to make it; then I make a leap forward.

Nothing needs to be lost or wasted in our lives.  All of our mistakes and idiocy teach us hard lessons if we are attentive and brave.  My craziness has helped me to see more clearly and gain insight into myself and others. From my experience and mistakes I find wisdom and peace.

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Solitude

 

“Lift us, we pray thee, to thy presence, where we may be still and know that thou art God” – Book of Common Prayer

Sometimes, it’s as though I’m in the center of a bustling city, and then decide to leave. As I travel toward the more peaceful suburbs, there are fewer and fewer people. Finally, the city is behind me, and I’m alone. And since I can’t live in two places at once, I enjoy the pleasure of solitude by visiting the suburbs and pay the price of loneliness.

It’s the same when I leave behind the noise of my own thoughts and travel inward. By traveling inward, I’m referring to meditation and times when I just listen to myself; to listen to what my inner voice may be telling me. It takes courage to face solitude, a courage which the Universe gives to me only when I want to find what I can’t find when I’m surrounded by people or even just with my partner. Peace, inspiration, rejuvenation, nurturing, enlightenment, and strength – these are just a few of the gifts of solitude.

Beyond the loneliness, and the longing for others, I find the satisfaction of my company and the company of the Universe. I need these as much as I need the company of other people, and so I always seem to receive what I need to take the risks of solitude. You will too. There is nothing to fear in solitude. We may feel alone, but we never are.

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The Gifts of Peace, Simplicity and Reality this Holiday Season

“Celebration is a forgetting in order to remember. A forgetting of ego, of problems, of difficulties. A letting go.”        – Matthew Fox

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I find holidays to be a real test of my personal growth. I had always been glad I didn’t have to face the holidays alone. Christmas was always spent with my best friend Keith, my sister and her partner. Until this year I was never as acutely aware of how hard as it has to be especially hard for those that have no one.  This is a good time to take care of myself and it is best to be honest, rather than jolly.  For those of us that struggle during this time of year, we can refuse to lose ourselves in old behaviors. We can focus on finding other healthy people to be around.

This holiday season has already offered me the chance to reflect on the impact my mental health issues have had on my relationships and how much sharing these special times with others really means to me.  I am also able to appreciate what I already have, and to better recognize my blessings because I have known the pain and deprivation of my illness.

Peace, simplicity, and reality all are ours this holiday season.  By letting go of expectations, and by choosing an attitude of hope and gratitude, we will soon come to know that there is much more to celebrate than we anticipated.

Where There Is No Forgiveness

Find Resentment and Retaliation

 

 

 

Without forgiveness life is governed…by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”– Roberto Assaglioli

 

I am well aware of the past harm I have done to myself and others and yet, my life continues to be a breeding ground for resentment.  I may think others have more than me, are better than me, more successful than I have been and I make-up in my mind that these people are looking down at me.  I make-up in my mind that there are people who are out to get me or are trying to harm me in retaliation for some past transgression I may have been the source of.  While there may be times or situations when I truly have been wronged, I have come to understand and believe that most of my resentments are most likely delusional.

Whatever the situation may have been, or stands now, it is so clear to me that for me to grow and move forward, I must learn to forgive myself, those I have wronged and begin a process of making things right.

Through forgiveness of myself and others, I begin to break through the cycle of hurt and retaliation.  I begin to know that there is a way out of the screwed-up, delusional dramas in my head, through forgiveness and acceptance which brings peace and tranquility to life.

People always come into your life for a reason…

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to help you through a difficulty, or to give you guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our wish fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a Season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like spring turns to summer and summer to fall, the season eventually ends.

Lifetime relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and the people regardless and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…

-Author Unknown-


Come to Me (Peace) By Mary J. Blige from her “Growing Pains” Album

I have been wanting to share this track from Mary J. Blige’s “Growing Pains” CD.  By far my favorite song (this week, OK – this month!).  Following are the lyrics, which got me hooked first, then listen to the song.  Enjoy!

Come to Me (Peace)

That was love
That was then
That was us, miracles
I changed you
You changed me
This is how these things go
I was broke
And you were scared
But you stayed by my side, yea

I was yours
You were mine
It seemed we’d last forever, oh yea
I’d be the one you need
You would be the one I marry
And I’m just trying to invite my way back in your heart
And I’m telling you to…

[Chorus:]
Come to me
I’ll restore freedom
I’ll carve away the worries in your heart

Your heart is missed
I’m a mess, what happened to second chance
This is now, this is how easy things can get out of hand
We were cold, and we were slow then, now we end faster than light, than light

And I’m not ashamed cause my love ain’t changed
I’m prepared to beg you back the whole way
Bring me your arms, I’ll bring mine too
And we will heal, mend, me and you, telling you…

[Chorus:]
Come to me
I’ll restore freedom
I’ll carve away the worries in your heart
I’m telling you to…

Come to me
I’ll restore freedom
I’ll carve away the worries in your heart
And I’m here to make peace, peace, peace
I’m here to make peace, peace, peace
I’m here to make peace, peace, peace
I’m here to make peace, between u and I

Through my doors, and take my hand
Replace our love beyond this land
This is just too much to give away
I love you baby, so why don’t you stay

Let the air of your voice dry my tears
Let “I love you”, fall on my ears
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
I want you to just…

[Chorus:]
Come to me
I’ll restore freedom
I’ll carve away your worries in your heart
And I’ll be here to make peace
I’m here to make peace peace peace
I’m here to make peace peace peace
I’m here to make peace peace peace between you and I

Wanna make peace with you baby
I don’t wanna fight, I just wanna do everything right
Show me how to make peace with you
I do wanna make peace with you

Willingness is Like Faith

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“The readiness is all.” – William Shakespeare

Willingness is like faith.  We know it’s real because we experience it, but we can’t define it.  Nonetheless, the sense of humility, surrender, and peace that accompany willingness are our indicators that it is real, indeed.

A recovering addict who recently finished treatment told this story: “I was walking downtown and I got at least three offers to buy drugs and have sex.  I said no.  My willingness at that moment was to say no.”

We move forward often without knowing where we’re going.  But in those rare, shining moments of willingness when we conform our will to the Universe’s, we see our direction clearly.  And we are transformed.


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May Peace Be Found

Rejoice