Blog Archives

My Daily Tarot Card [January 27, 2009]

Giving me some direction for my day, I enjoy sharing my more poignant tarot readings that I do that I do on a daily basis. 

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The Ace of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in cause and effect. With great power comes great responsibility. Do the right thing or state the obvious and the ‘pen will be mightier than the Sword.’ The truth will set me free. It’s the principle of the thing. Get it in writing. I am empowered by intention and my virtue is my promise, commitment or vow.

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Our First Priority Must Be Our Individual Recovery

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“Our first priority must be our individual recovery; only when we have succeeded in improving our self-esteem will we be able to be in a relationship truly by choice and not our of dependency.”  – Jennifer and Burt Schneider

Sex is not glue. It doesn’t keep people with us. We’ve often misunderstood sexuality and intimacy when we were active in our addictive process, because our addiction distorted our experiences.

Finding the way to real intimacy with ourselves, friends, a significant other, or our family is difficult. But we know that real intimacy is a connection that is natural.

It takes self-esteem to know that someone loves us for ourselves and wants to be with us just because we are who we are. There’s no way we can control our relationships, especially a relationship intimate enough to be sexual. We just have to let go, and trust. That’s true freedom.

 I am always a sexual being, whether I choose to express my sexuality or not. The energy and goodness of my sexuality are my unique gifts from God.

My Tarot Card for December 25, 2008 ~ The 5 of Pentacles

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The Five of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in defiance. I am willing to reject the sure thing or accept excommunication to try to make it on my own, rather than endure the status quo or submit to conditions that assume I am invisible — in this, I have nothing to lose. I accept responsibility for the difficulties ahead and do not seek pity for having chosen to move against the grain. I am empowered by mutual support and my assets are self-worth, hope, and pride.

My Daily Tarot Card – The Judgment Card

The Judgement card suggests that the alter ego is The Compassionate One, whose superpower lies in revelation of life and worldly events. Reflect a sense of gratitude for life and those involved by showing humility, forgiveness and charity. By doing so, feel a strong redemption for past events — a great liberating feeling. I have punished myself enough and am free at last. Clearing the conscience through forgiving myself and others can bring an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. jusgment1

“Don’t Make Me Come Down There!”

“There must be the listening ear, as well as the still small voice.” – God Calling

In the past when I needed help, I coped through addictions and tools in my emotional tool belt which no longer were appropriate.  It helped me to escape, avoid reality and manipulate people.  Now that I have greater, healthier options, I have begun to act differently.  How can anyone do the same?

Well, practice makes perfect; I practice asking for help.  We can all start by staying aware of where we are vulnerable.  Prying shame from its grip on our self-esteem helps too.  We can know that we do not have to live by different rules than other people; we don’t have to be separate and isolated.  We don’t have to be perfect, only real and authentic.  Asking for help is O.K.

The Universe or one’s own Higher Power will provide all that is needed, and provide all the answers beyond what any human being could possible offer.  When we feel unable to reach out to others, even if we may want to, we can take a risk and turn to the Universe.  Turning to our previous unhealthy ways or to an addiction never solves anything; turning to the Universe or Higher Power will.

Getting Away From it All

“We yield, and we realize God has wrought something in us, and that the wings of our souls have learned to beat the upper air.” — Anonymous

Where is your “resting place”, that free space for nurturing and peace? As a child in kindergarten, like all of my classmates, I had a “resting mat.” Each day, for a period of forty-five minutes or so, my classmates and I took a little nap.

As an adult, my resting place is inside myself: a place where I live quietly, engaged in inarticulate creation.  I go to that silent space because I am safe there.  I find what I need to be replenished until I am ready to go into the world again.

For some, their resting places are primarily outside of themselves: the earth, the sea, the desert or the mountains.  It is called “getting away from it all,” but it’s really going to something needed as much as air and food.

We all will find a resting place in anything to which our heart calls us: music, writing in a journal, books on personal growth or spirituality or simply in solitude.  We all need sanctuary; time to be recreated; time to become reconnected to who we truly are.

Look Fear Right in its Face!

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

One of the things I know I have gained through recovery and personal growth is that I have been given courage in the face of life’s darker realities. Now, I’m even more enthusiastic to offer my help to others in the face of addiction, depression, mental illness, physical illness and any other of life’s calamities. I know I can help, because I can say, “I’ve been there.” I’ve gone through so much, and I’ve come out of it on the other side. I understand the fear.

What a tremendous gift this can all be to others, given by those of us who understand the fear. Especially, for those facing their recovery issues after us. Our presence, our support, our unconditional love, and our non judgmental attitude are often what another suffering person needs. Our experiences as addicts, individuals challenged with mental illness – you name it – whatever other fear based dilemma we have faced, have given us an understanding and wisdom.

We have the perspective to be practical and realistic when necessary. We have the empathy to be compassionate. We have the strength and clarity to keep our boundaries in the face of another’s challenges and fears. My courage I am feeling at this moment is my personal growth and recovery in action. For that, may we all be grateful!

For The Day… When You Realize You Can’t Stand Your Partner for One More Minute

This Is For The Day…

“We’re talking roots and wings; love that is magnetic enough to hold, yet magnanimous enough to allow for flight.”

~ Charles R. Swindoll ~


This is for the day when you realize you can’t stand your partner one more minute. It’s for the time when everything inside urges you to make a prompt, seemingly permanent retreat.

The statement, “No one ever said a relationship is easy” is an understatement for so many of us with the emotional baggage and set of experiences each of us holds. We must slow down and take care of ourselves during a difficult time with someone we love. We can take inventory of our thoughts and feelings. We can make a contract not to do something impulsive. We can take the relationship “Off of the bargaining table”. We can step back and view our problems with humor.

Somewhere inside each of us is love and a commitment to our partner. This love and commitment are real, no matter how exasperating, bewildering, or undeserving he or she seems to be right now. Say to yourself, “This, too, shall pass,” because believe me, it will. Ask the Universe for humility, patience, and detachment when having challenges in relationships.

Finally. Something is Changing. I’m Beginning to Feel Better!

 

 

 

Finally. Something is Changing. I’m Beginning to Feel Better!

 

In the last couple of days, I really feel as though I’m wriggling free of this constant, lingering depression that I’ve been trying to cope with. Everyone around me, close to me, has seen my mood swings, my apathetic attitude, and the inability to summon up any motivation or initiative. I’m feeling better, and that’s telling me that this round may soon be over.

 

It’s important to me though to know what I’m doing that’s helping. I know that my interactions with Christopher have been much healthier – on both our parts. He’s not overreacting to what I tell him, and he’s also trying very hard to speak more quietly and not in his usual bullying way. He’s also been more cognizant of his expressions of love to me. His words are not at all hollow sounding or out of routine, but rather filled with tenderness accompanied by his touch. Christopher has also been lightening up some more stressful moments through humor, and that has helped me as well. I really have to hand it to him for his efforts. I’m very proud of him.

 

And as for my tools that I’ve been using, I have to say that I am communicating my feelings more. Not just to Christopher, but also to Vickie, Ralph, Joel and even Deshawn. I feel I have some true allies in my little group, and I feel loved. I believe also that having had Deshawn living with us for ten days contributed to my stress, anxiety and to the depressive state I was in. I don’t feel I am capable the way I used to be with Nathan, to raise a special needs kid. It took so much out of me while he was here. I don’t feel I did a very good job either. I forgot to make sure he took his meds one morning and he had a really bad day at school. Everyday at school was pretty bad while he was here. Deshawn also started some new behaviors which we weren’t prepared for. The first was a series of a very bad temper tantrum. He also began just “taking off”. He’d get angry with either Christopher or me, and then just leave. He wouldn’t always leave through the front door either. Sometimes, he’d sneak out the patio doors and jump the privacy wall.

 

So in looking at the contributing factors that helped begin some lifting of the depression, Christopher has made some very important strides in relating with me and communicating with me much more appropriately. I was able to complete the respite for Vickie, and felt a lot of relief with Deshawn back in his own apartment. I now know not to commit to something like that, especially for such a long period of time. I’m not the same person I used to be. I have some health and emotional challenges that require me to cope a little bit differently. Finally, just having some healthy people loving me and supporting me, gives me a platform to talk about all my feelings. By talking about them my feelings don’t seem as scary and I feel as though I’m not alone.