See Yourself as Changing


“The absurd man is he who never changes.” — Auguste Barthelemy

Lately, I find myself feeling sick and tired being me, because it seems I am always the same, never-changing.  My emotional life often seems like a treadmill, never varying in its fantasies or rituals.  I haven’t acted to alter things, I’ve only acted out.  And in acting out I am driven by a compulsion to repeat actions that gave me little pleasure and no joy.

I am beginning to realize that the same feelings come up all the time and throughout the course of each day.  I find myself thinking or saying, “Everything’s just the same.” Or, “I’m just not getting anywhere.”  My day-to-day life seems about the same; nothing dramatic has happened, nothing special is going to happen.  Inertia.  Despair.

If I look around at others; in my community, in groups and check things out, I may be able to see more clearly the changes that have taken place.   Yes, I begin to become aware that “Alan” is different, and less negative, and “Justin” is energetic and outgoing.  Change may take place slowly, but it does happen.  For sure.


About Mark Schmitz

Living in Phoenix, AZ since 1995, originally from Brown Deer, Wisconsin. I'm a Gemini born on May 26, 1961. Single, GWM who is HIV and healthy. Spiritually diverse, I'm just trying to stay on the right path to learn all that I came here to learn. That's what my blogs are about - and total honesty.

Posted on December 8, 2010, in Change, Depression, Life, Opinions, Personal Growth, Positive Thinking, Self Discovery, Self-improvement, Shortcomings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. A suggestion would be to practice yoga or mediation to become centered and find inner peace. Also, take a look around your home and take some tips for getting the proper energy flow to improve it all.

  2. Mark…. sounds like the guy sharing was saying that he was taking responsibility for the thoughts in his head. Saying that he was somehow making choices to perceive things a certain way.

    If so, this is a mature and astute observation of self for this guy. He is recognizing he can make different choices about his thoughts. This is such an important thing to realize. And it is not easy to make changes once we do realize it. Our thought patterns are habits that feel so natural to us, that we are not easily aware we have any control over them. I sure didn’t. I used to feel that my thoughts owned me. And similarly my feelings did too. I felt they could lead me wherever they wanted to go.

    I still do not feel full control over my thoughts and feelings all the time. Right now for instance, it is 4:55 AM and I could not sleep for being a little anxious about a busy and complicated day ahead. Yet, this is way, way, WAAAAY better than it used to be. I have been learning to make choices over the past few years that keep my run-away thoughts and emotions at bay to a very large degree. I have learned that I have way more control over my thoughts than I ever realized. I can make choices of what I think and eventually feel. It takes practice but it can be done. Perhaps this is what the guy in the NA meeting was sharing.

    Part of what helps me is simply sharing like this. Years ago, if I was feeling anxious and like my thoughts were directing traffic in my life, I would drink, drug, lay in bed and think of suicide. Today, I blog, pray, and remain grateful that “this too shall pass”. I go to meetings, call my sponsor, read the big book, help another addict/alcoholic. I also simply make use of the time that I am sleepless instead of laying there tossing and turning.

    I am about to jump in my truck and run a note over to my Dad’s place to let him know I will be by on Christmas Day. He is in a care home and does not always get messages I leave with staff. So I am saying to myself, rather than freak out about my sleeplessness… I am going to enjoy a beautiful drive in the snow while traffic is quiet.

    It is still dark out and he lives in the country about 20 minutes away. Rather than feel sorry for myself for having to go to this effort, I will instead choose to be grateful for the Dad I have, the 4×4 my company generously provides, and the opportunity to be out in the winter wonderland this early Christmas eve morning.

    In fact, I am not going to think and talk about it much longer, I am just going to do it! Because I used to live in my head constantly and just think and dream about what to do next. And then never end up doing it because I was too busy thinking and dreaming! More often now, I just do!

    So with that said…. I am going to get on with the doing!

    Have a great Christmas! Will keep checking with ya. I am enjoying the dialogue too.

    Ciao. Chaz

  3. No problem Mark. Those if us who experience these things are unique in how we can relate. It was not until I heard someone basically describe what was going on in my head by simply telling THEIR story that I woke up and discovered that some do understand and I was not alone.

    I will never forget the day and meeting I was at when someone said, “I don’t know all the reasons I started drinking, I only know I felt better when I did”. It was such a simple statement but I connected with it and knew I was among my kind.

    Later, another person said, “I have always felt a low-grade depression lying just below the surface”. Wham! It hit me again. He was talking about himself but it described me too…. exactly how I felt.

    So I make it a practice to share as meaningfully as possible what is going on in my head and heart. Others of our kind can relate. Those who are not wired like us do not. No big deal. This is why the fellowships of AA and NA work. Only our own kind seem to be able to help us.

    All others can get close to understanding and empathizing, but they do not connect like a fellow recoveror because they have not been there. No judgement, just a difference.

    So glad this sharing helps. Will check back with ya.

    Ciao. Chaz

    • Chaz, Thanks for all that. I am getting so much from our discussions; I’m sharing your feedback with my partner as though it were on fire!

      Hey, I noticed something in an NA meeting: this guy kept saying things like, “And I made up in my head that she was really pissed at me…” or, “I make up that I’m not worth having XYZ in my life…” I thought it was an interesting way – a different way to show one’s wiring, or an attempt at re-wiring. A typical recovery tool?

  4. Mark… when I get the kinds of feelings you describe, I ask myself if I am living inside my head or not. I usually am.

    Remember, our best thinking got us to where we are at. So certainly, fresh perpsective from someone other than our own self may very well be worthwhile taking a look at.

    I used to isolate a lot. In isolation, we tend only to listen to our own self-talk. If on the other hand, we get around some healthy or recovering people, we can glean something from them. Whether it be perspective, friendship, or just their positive energy will affect us in ways we may not even realize consciously.

    I know for me, sometimes simply going to an AA meeting, even if I did not relate to the sharing, but just being in an atmosphere where people are attempting to be honest and growing, can have the effect of lifting my mood and outlook. It can be a temporary reprieve that gives me a little faith and energy for the rest of the day or tomorrow.

    I cant always relate the uplift to any specific thing. I think the effect is on the subconscious level…. or dare I say even spiritual? Suffice it to say it is not something I understand but I do experience.

    It does not have to be an AA meeting. Whatever form of positive environment you can get involved with. I believe there is a transfer of some sort of energy from the positive people we are in community with. Even if only for a short while.

    Anyway… I feel I have been where you describe. Feeling completely blah and stagnant is how I take what you are describing. Any time I find myself there, I virtually always eventually find out I was wrong and that it was an error in perspective. And that “this too does pass”.

    Give it another day and do something positive that perhaps you have not done before. Even reading some new blogs may make a difference. I do that sometimes and makes a huge difference. Hey… I am blessed just sharing these things with you and others. And the person/people who shared them with me was blessed for passing them on to me. So maybe do the same. Reach out to another person on the journey.

    This too will indeed get better.

    Ciao. Chaz

    • Chaz. I wonder if I’m creating this isolationist feeling. I’ve been turning some away lately, and my behavior has not been what is normally expected from me. Lots of anger, feelings of pent up “adrennalin”, etc… Seems as though no one is LISTENTING to me. Perhaps your’re right – no, I believe you are right. Listen, share what I can, learn from what I hear, and wait for this stagnancy to pass. Thank you. I am so fortunate that our paths have crossed! Mark.

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