Daily Archives: September 27, 2010

That Spinning Wheel Will Go Around and Around

As Long as you let it

“There’s nothing worse than taking something into your head; it turns into a revolving wheel that you can’t control.”                                                    — Ugo Betti, Italian Judge, Playwright (1892-1953)

When something really gets to me, it can easily turn into an obsession. I’ll think that one thought over and over; 24/7. I’ll worry over one particular thought like a bulldog in a meat shop. This obsessive thinking, if left uncontrolled in my mind will lead me eventually to the deep dark shadows of depression.

I believe that I became obsessed by fantasies that spun around inside my head like pinwheels on a windy spring day. At times it became difficult to imagine real people, in real situations. I kept repeating images that were real only in my fantasies. Eventually, I realized these fantasies were closing me off from a world of truth.

To break free, I needed to take dramatic action with both my psychiatrist and therapist. I attended a weekly group session and found that by talking and sharing with others, I was able to learn from their experiences. I continue to walk a path that leads out into life and away from those spinning wheels of my obsessions. I am learning to live a life away from my mad world of obsessions and I’m reaching out and getting free.

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Interpreting the Runes ~ Perth~ Question Mark ?

The meaning of this rune has been left a question mark because in modern times, we have no way of knowing its exact nature.  It has been described variously as an apple, a chess piece, a dice cup, a tune, a hearth, and even a penis.  This lack of clear meaning is proper, as Perth signifies something unresolved in life, something hidden away that is about to surface. The appearance of Perth may represent a secret; something one may feel secretive about.  This can be a hint to the person doing the reading. When Perth shows up, it can signify that someone is not being entirely forthright or honest about the question being posed for the reading or runecast, and is in fact asking about something else.

As a rule, this rune has fairly positive associations, implying that the secret about to be revealed will be helpful or pleasant to the person being read in the runecast.  It can signify that matters of the heart, which the person being read may have been unsure of, will be resolved to their advantage – and surprise. It can also denote an unexpected inheritance.  In addition, this rune has associations with gambling, although the route by which this meaning is reached is somewhat uncertain. However, on this basis, Perth can mean that it is a good time to undertake some financial undertaking that might seem to be somewhat risky.

Reversed

In reverse, Perth suggests that what is about to be revealed will be none too pleasant.  If there are any dark secrets, a reversed Perth signifies that they are certain to be exposed.   On the other hand, when reversed, this rune may show that someone is involved, either personally or in business, with someone who cannot be trusted and that the evidence for this will soon appear.  In either case, one must be armed for disclosures of a discomforting nature.

The Heavy Burden of a Life Full of Lies

One deceit needs many others, and so the whole house is built in the air and must soon come crashing down.  – Baltasar Graclan

I have recently made a new acquaintance and as I’ve begun what should be an enjoyable process of getting to know one another, I have discovered this person lies – a lot.  It’s like the entire fabric of his personality is woven with lies; lies about simple things that don’t even matter; lies that I can see could get an innocent believer into a tremendous amount of trouble if believed and acted on.  Experiencing this kind of dishonesty in my life now has caused me to reflect on my history with dishonest behavior and what the plan I have to keep myself in check each and every day.

Through my long history of lying, I know firsthand of the way lying drives us into secrecy. At first, came the “little lies” – to my partner at the time, about missing an appointment or coming home late; my time away difficult to cover up or explain.  Then came more lies to cover the lie, and then the lies to try to escape from the ugly web of lies that entangled me within my deceit. Soon, I couldn’t even look my loved one in the eye, I couldn’t risk the truth – that I had been out fucking around on him, and so I lied again and again. Sadly, the pathetic day came when I grew comfortable in my sick, isolated world of fantasy and deception. All along, those I was bullshitting knew I was lying.

My life became a house of cards; a pack of lies.  I couldn’t make an honest, open move for fear of bringing the shambles tumbling down around my ears.  Most often, I wasn’t the only one getting hurt by my behavior; my partners, family, friends and even business colleagues suffered horribly too.

I am well into my process of changing all that, but it takes time. Each and every day I need to take inventory and be fearless and honest with myself.  I have learned that each time I am honest, the lies lose their power, and finally the truth comes through. My life actually feels so much less heavy; I grew so tired of the lies I had spun around everyone in my life.  What I have gained through my openness is breakthrough into honesty and truth.