Gemini ~ Naturally Bipolar and Anxious


 

I am bipolar and within the last year or so, have begun to experience severe anxiety and panic. In late December I had meltdown of incredible proportions. The extreme anxiety disorder is new for me; haunting me for a little more than a year now. Anxiety so strong, and triggered by the actions of my partner. For several years, he has promulgated a new behavior, “Babe, I’m just running up to the 7 Eleven to get some cigarettes; I’ll be back in twenty-five minutes.” As he walks out the door I always say, “Take your cell phone with you,” which he already has in hand.

That promised “twenty-five minutes” turns out to be days that he is away from home, not answering his cell phone or even calling. I refer to it as my partner “going missing.” My reaction begins with worry. Then I may happen upon something on the computer exposing the person he would be meeting and what they would be doing. A friend of mine has a husband who has nearly same behavior. She calls this type a “player” explaining that these types of men want to still run the streets, cheat on their partners or spouses. The “player” behavior is incongruent with the committed relationship my partner and I have. This friend’s advice to me was to be proud that it is me he eventually comes home to, giving me parts of himself his hookups never see. To this I say, “bullshit.”

Player my ass. My worry then turns to anger. I can’t sleep. I start calling my partner’s phone over and over. He calls it “psycho dialing.” The anger then turns to tears. I cry as I wander through the house, “What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything wrong.” My speech becomes so slurred and difficult to understand that it has been described as though I had a stroke. Lately, I noticed a pain in my chest along with a rapid and what I describe as “fluttering” heart. Irritability for me is a sign that I am swinging toward the maniacal part of bipolar. Then deep depression, laced with that wicked anxiety and panic. I began taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication called Ativan. I was eating it like candy.

This most recent December meltdown grew so out of control I felt as though the only way to be free of it would come through ending my life. I have been in this cold place before and placed a call to the behavioral health crisis line associated with my health insurance. I was referred to the Maricopa County Hospital. There I was checked out and cleared medically and it was suggested I sign myself in to St. Luke’s Behavioral Health. I’ve been there before too. St. Luke’s worked for me before. Back in 2005 I nearly ended my life with a mantra in my head, “I hate my life, I hate my life.” After two months they helped me see the world differently and I left there with a new mantra, “I love my life, I love my life!” I felt safe returning there.

I worked hard over the next three weeks, finding that each time I told my story, I felt more at ease and could see the flaws in my relationship. I realize the degree of my co-dependency and made a commitment to attend CODA (a twelve step group for co-dependents). I was placed under the care of the psychiatrist who followed me last admission. He wanted to take my treatment further than I agreed to last time. In my first admission, he suggested ECT (Electro Convulsive Treatment.) I refused it then because of the loss of one’s short-term memory as a side effect of the treatment. But this time felt different to me and I agreed to begin the treatment.

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About Mark Schmitz

Living in Phoenix, AZ since 1995, originally from Brown Deer, Wisconsin. I'm a Gemini born on May 26, 1961. Single, GWM who is HIV and healthy. Spiritually diverse, I'm just trying to stay on the right path to learn all that I came here to learn. That's what my blogs are about - and total honesty.

Posted on February 4, 2009, in 12 Step Program, About Me, Addiction, AIDS, Astrological Sign, Astrological Sign Gemini, Astrology, Awareness, Bi Polar, Boundaries, Conflict, Dysfunction, End of Relationship, Gay, Gay Relationship, Gemini, Gemini compatability, Happiness, Hate, Healing, HIV, How to overcome Depression, Hurt emotions, Inner Self, inspiration, Leo compatability, Leo Personality traits, Life, Lying, Mental Health, Negative, Opinions, Past Transgressions, Personal Growth, Positive Thinking, Purpose of Life, Recovery, Relationships, Resentment, Self concept, Self Discovery, Self Will, Self-forgiveness, Self-improvement, Shame, Shortcomings, Spirituality, Truth, Zodiac and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. wow. Many many hugs. These are moments I never want to relive and that I relate to. Your experience is an extreme and I feel for you and how it ignited such intense panic and anxiety.

    Many hugs and if only we were able to walk a way in the first moment our relationship’s provide us with such worry.

    • I’ll take many hugs any day from a kind such as yourself! Thank you and I hope you are able to get much from the life experiences I share through my blogs. ~ Mark

    • I’ll take “many hugs” any time from a kind reader such as yourself! Thank you, and I hope you are able to keep reading my blogs and find something helpful, or something you can relate to from my life experiences I share through my blogs. ~Mark

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