“Most people write off their longing for friends and family as so many losses in their lives, when they should count the fact that their heart is able to long so hard and to love so much as among their greatest blessings.” – Etty Hillesum –
I’m lonely. It’s lonely either being a practicing addict or even as a recovering person on a path of personal and spiritual growth. When I was being sexual with someone else by “partying and playing” in my past, I could push the truth away for a while in the high of the moment. But afterward, back in reality, the loneliness became even more devastating. I could pretend not to care, telling myself that I didn’t need people. But I knew I was lying. Connection, not disconnection, was what that which I longed for; and still find myself longing for today.
I realize that it is possible to rebuild those connections that have been lost. Even as I become healthier through the work I do along my path of personal growth and spirituality, the loneliness does not go away immediately; it takes time. The more I reach out to people honestly, believing I am worthwhile and have something to give, the less lonely I feel. The connections may be new; with new people met traveling along the same path – not those family or friends hurt by me in the past.
Those old relationships may carry their hurts, resentments and doubts for a very long time; never believing that I am capable of change. Overcoming “guilty until proven innocent” can take a very long time to achieve, if ever. New relationships help fill the void left by those loved one’s that can’t, or won’t adjust to the efforts I make and my new, healthier behaviors. There is always a flaw in what they see, which keeps them from an openness of the heart. Yet I have found there’s a world out there, and I belong in it.
I may long for some of the old relationships, but that longing is often quickly dashed when I remind myself of the conditions that were placed on their love. I have found through my personal growth the capability in some people, and in myself, the ability to love unconditionally. Unconditional love – the giving and receiving of it, comes so much more naturally and is a joy to have in my life.
So who am I still lonely for? A relationship with the Universe? Other people? Once I answer that question for myself, I can do something about it.
Posted on January 7, 2008, in Addiction, Blogging, Conflict, Drug Addiction, Family, Friends, Honesty, Loneliness, Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality and tagged Addiction, Blogging, Conflict, connection, Crystal Meth, disconnection, Drug Addiction, Family, Family of Choice, Friends, Friendships, Honesty, Loneliness, Love, Past Relationships, Personal Growth, Recovery, Relationships, Spirituality, Who am I lonely for, Worthiness, Worthwhile. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.