“Most people write off their longing for friends and family as so many losses in their lives, when they should count the fact that their heart is able to long so hard and to love so much as among their greatest blessings.” – Etty Hillesum

I’m lonely. It’s lonely either being a practicing addict or even as a recovering person on a path of personal and spiritual growth. When I was being sexual with someone else by “partying and playing” in my past, I could push the truth away for a while in the high of the moment. But afterward, back in reality, the loneliness became even more devastating. I could pretend not to care, telling myself that I didn’t need people. But I knew I was lying. Connection, not disconnection, was what that which I longed for; and still find myself longing for today.

I realize that it is possible to rebuild those connections that have been lost. Even as I become healthier through the work I do along my path of personal growth and spirituality, the loneliness does not go away immediately; it takes time. The more I reach out to people honestly, believing I am worthwhile and have something to give, the less lonely I feel. The connections may be new; with new people met traveling along the same path – not those family or friends hurt by me in the past.

Those old relationships may carry their hurts, resentments and doubts for a very long time; never believing that I am capable of change. Overcoming “guilty until proven innocent” can take a very long time to achieve, if ever. New relationships help fill the void left by those loved one’s that can’t, or won’t adjust to the efforts I make and my new, healthier behaviors. There is always a flaw in what they see, which keeps them from an openness of the heart. Yet I have found there’s a world out there, and I belong in it.

I may long for some of the old relationships, but that longing is often quickly dashed when I remind myself of the conditions that were placed on their love. I have found through my personal growth the capability in some people, and in myself, the ability to love unconditionally. Unconditional love – the giving and receiving of it, comes so much more naturally and is a joy to have in my life.

So who am I still lonely for? A relationship with the Universe? Other people? Once I answer that question for myself, I can do something about it.

About Mark Schmitz

Living in Phoenix, AZ since 1995, originally from Brown Deer, Wisconsin. I'm a Gemini born on May 26, 1961. Single, GWM who is HIV and healthy. Spiritually diverse, I'm just trying to stay on the right path to learn all that I came here to learn. That's what my blogs are about - and total honesty.

Posted on January 7, 2008, in Addiction, Blogging, Conflict, Drug Addiction, Family, Friends, Honesty, Loneliness, Love, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Unconditional love is a difficult thing to find. In my journey of life so far, through my desperate lows and incredible highs, the only unconditional love I’ve ever found is through my faith in Christ… the loneliness you may be grappling with may very well be your unrealised search for a genuine relationship with our Creator. There is great worth in you, and in all of us when seen through the eyes of our incredible God who freely gives love to those of us who are ready to receive it that is so unconditional that it is infathomable to the human mind. We have great limits in our understanding, for who can understand the mind of God? But who understands the needs of one that is created more than the Creator himself? I hope & pray you find the answer to your loneliness, as it breaks my heart when reading such deep and honest words. It’s moving, yet gut-wrenching for those who have known and lived out such honest feelings.

  2. Its ….sad to see that i have people with my state and condition….running parallel,I pray to god for you all to find what ur lookin for…..thats the best i can do as a human..

    Well if ii could just get the answer of these few question of mine…

    “if u had to make me cry at the end..then why did u made me laugh at the begining..?

    If u had to go away…then why did u shared my life in the first place…?

    then i could give my tears a good reason to stop and my heart to stop feeling lonely even when i am surrounded by thousands”

  3. They used to call me black omen… even now and then presence of people won’t matter to me. I though I’m filled and satisfied; but something is missing, lacking, and unseen.. Unknown shadow of existence calling my attention to stand in front of my reflections. A shade of gray wrapping around my sight so hard to swallow and breath. I always hunting for answers and hoping that someone would lend me a hand but no one offer. I thought it was my fault, but no matter what I do or say, still the shadow of hopelessness conquers and wins. I fought my way to get the rid out and find a place of comfort and conducive, but here I lay right before the eye of the living dead soak wet of red throwing blames and rejections. I have imprisoned myself away from troubles, weeping alone and counting.

  4. In truth, I’m feeling lonely now. Hurt inside.Sometimes I wish to vavish form this world, flying away, away, away and away…
    Tonight, I’m really down and out.I wanna look for someone to share with me but it seems that it’s impossible.Seeing your picture, I recall my childhood, unhappy and inconsolable. I’m sad again and just burst into tears.
    Nobody around me
    I’m going away…

  5. Your honesty and candor touch me deeply. The best phrase I can find to describe this post is “unsettlingly beautiful.” Unsettling because of how deeply you allow anonymous visitors to peer inside you, and beautiful because of your courage and authenticity.

    I’ve felt a loneliness similar to what you describe. A pastor I dated for a short time (who also had similar feelings) described it as “Divine Longing,” or the longing to be reunited with the Love that made us.

  6. Glad to hear you have found someone who is willing to give and take as much as you. That unconditional love is one worth waiting for and I hope to achieve it one day myself. I look forward to reading more of your blogs to aid me in my journey!

  7. christophersmark

    In a way, I just have found I am not alone. At least in my quest. Through your comment, I have just found another Soul traveling along the same path – that of personal growth. I have lost so many relationships through my past behaviors and actions. Some I chose to eliminate for a variety of reasons; the most common being my unwillingness to live my life for them or as they expect. My desire for unconditional love being another. These are two topics I intend to share in upcoming blogs after I complete my research; both within and through the experiences shared by others.

    There are also those relationships that have “dumped” me. Relationships that I thought would always be there. I realize that people come and go in our lives, but others are meant, I thought, to be there always and no matter what; namely family and one’s significant other. For the first time in my life, I have a partner who loves me unconditionally and has made a commitment so strong as to have “taken the relationship off the bargaining table”. No matter what happens, he will always be there for me, and I will be for him in return. The relationship is never in jeopardy. There are some who claim this to be unhealthy; a risk to each of us. I see it as a risk worth taking. If you truly love someone, and make a commitment to share a life together, then it should not just go away when times are tough. I feel that many relationships, heterosexual and homosexual, lack this kind of true commitment.

    Thank you once more for your comment, and I hope to see you along the path again.

    Namaste, Mark.
    email: groovydudesdude@yahoo.com

  8. Let me know if you find it and how! I too have asked that question and followed many of your past behaviors in search of love and connection! Haven’t found it yet but am still looking! Best of luck to you!

  1. Pingback: ”If you wait for me, I’ll come for you..” — sofiavienna

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