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You Are In Integrity
“You are in integrity when the life you live is an authentic expression of who you are.” — Alan Cohen
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A Symbol of Hope ~ The Butterfly
A SYMBOL OF HOPE
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty
belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed…
We feel lucky to have seen it.
– Author Unknown
Butterflies have always been thought of by me as a symbol of great hope. This photo, which was recently posted by a new Facebook friend of mine, reminded me of that fact. With butterflies now fresh in my mind, and eager to share the butterfly as a symbol for my readers, I am including this image because I feel it best reflects the unlimited potential that is available to all of us.
This image can serve for us all as a reminder of our unlimited potential through the love and support we can give to one another each day – to the best of our ability. Reconnecting with the butterfly is one step toward reclaiming happiness. I am setting out to free myself from depression and negative thinking. I will do all that is necessary. I will do what is healthy so that like the butterfly I can gracefully maneuver my way through the rest of my days.
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For Every Person and Unhealed Relationship
“For every person in your past with whom you feel unhealed but unable to go back and resolve, there is someone standing before you offering you the opportunity to practice the healing you believe you missed.” — Alan Cohen
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How to Get to Forgiveness
One is, as One is.
“One is as one is, and the love that can’t encompass both is a poor sort of love.” – Marya Mannes
I have struggled to find the way to forgive myself and others. Forgiving isn’t easy. Writing this blog isn’t easy. I am carrying so much resentment and hurt around with me. In fact, when I’ve been deeply hurt or victimized by someone else, I may feel I can’t forgive. Yet, for my peace of mind and to let go, I may finally try. It’s been suggested by a close friend that forgiveness is easier under certain conditions: a positive connection with the person we want to forgive, a deep relationship with the Universe, and lots of time.
Forgiveness is often preceded by grieving fully; we must first heal from the harm that was done to us. Through the honesty, power and wisdom gained through personal growth we are gently led through the process of forgiving ourselves and others. Many of us have also experienced the Universe’s unconditional forgiveness which gives us a model. I acknowledge my responsibility for my actions, I let go of resentment, I grieve, and, finally, I forgive.
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Your Authentic Self
“To thine own self be true…”
Most of us associate this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78-82:
Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
Laertes:
Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.
“To thine own self be true” is Polonius’s last piece of advice to his son Laertes; Polonius has in mind something much more Elizabethan than the New Age self-knowledge that the phrase now suggests. To me, what I get from this quote is that unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others.
My path of personal growth has led me recently to wonder, what exactly is one’s “authentic self”? How do we get there? From this exploration, I have summarized what I have learned and am eager to share it with you.
Definitions:
Authentic: Genuine; literally self-authored or endorsed.
Self: Your physical and mental being with all its human and unique characteristics.
Authentic Self: The true you; aligned and congruent self-image, stature, values, beliefs, goals, behavior, word, and public image.
Your Authentic Self and Truth
How many of us have a hard time being true to ourselves? Those of us that gave up so much of our Self just so that we could be in the life of another did so at the cost of losing who we are in the process. By allowing someone else to define who we are caused us to lose our ability to discover and grow inwardly. We no longer are able to discern a truth from a lie. For many of us, we have accepted lies for so long, that finding out what is truth takes time.
Truth is a word that brings out negative reactions to many of us. Accepting truth about ourselves is difficult, especially to those of us who have been abused. But truth does set one free if we will allow it to; it is a crucial part of healing. It gives us the freedom to be who we are. We are able to come to terms with our weakness (without judgment or condemnation) and appreciate our strength. Truth gives strength; it naturally builds healthy boundaries.
Truth is open; it is honest even at the risk of being vulnerable again. Truth fears no reaction. Truth is light and brings forth life. When we walk in truth, we walk in light and when we walk in light we live a healthy life.
Truth is also love. The greatest act of love towards another is living a life that is truthful. For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, we will find it will come more easily when we are truthful about who we are. If we walk in truth, we walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. Because we have been honest with ourselves, we are able to love ourselves with all of our imperfections, knowing that we are a work in “progress” and therefore need not have others approval.
“And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”
The second part of this verse is a natural occurrence if we hold true to the first part of the verse. So, when in doubt about our motives of not being truthful with someone….look inside, are we being less than truthful to ourselves?
Just what makes up an “authentic person”? It is someone who:
Has great listening skills: everyone, regardless of who they are, wants to be acknowledged, appreciated and loved. When you are engaged in a conversation with someone, are you truly focusing 100% of your attention on what that person is saying? Or is your brain formulating something to say at the next available opportunity? Are your eyes constantly roaming the room, wondering who else just walked in? An authentic person’s attention is razor-sharp, making the other person feel like the most important person in the world.
Treats others fairly: When carrying out your role, whether it be a mother, business executive, pilot, waitress, teacher or coach, to name a few, you are always dealing with other people. The biggest secret is how you treat them. Do you treat others with respect or are you condescending, especially if they screwed up?
Has integrity: Everyone wants something. But authentic people are conscious of the operative watchword: integrity. They will do the ethical thing even if it means a loss of personal benefits for themselves.
Has the ability to communicate: Business leaders who conscientiously communicate in the open, especially when there is a lot of uncertainty hovering over the future of their employees, end up earning tremendous amount of trust. Rather than hiding behind the cloak of their boardrooms, they step up to the plate and keep people informed as much as possible. Authentic people make themselves valuable because they care enough to keep others in the loop by communicating.
Has the willingness to show transparency: I’ve done a lot of public speaking in my life. Public speakers who aren’t afraid to stand up on stage and speak from the heart, showing their childlike enthusiasm and not presenting themselves as flawless packages, often win the hearts of their audiences.
Why? Because it makes them real. Authentic speakers go into a speaking engagement with the attitude of “I am grateful all these people are spending time with me and I will give them a reason to laugh, cry and otherwise enjoy themselves without worrying how I look.”
Inauthentic speakers will say, “Well, there’s a bunch of jerks out there, I’ll just get in there, get it over and fool them senselessly with my appearance of great success.” People who are willing to be transparent win the love and respect of others.
Food for thought: Authentic people make more friends in two weeks by becoming interested in other people than in 2 months by trying to get other people interested in them!
Some experts on authenticity assert that if an individual is not living authentically in their lives, then they lose meaning and can fall into chronic anxiety, boredom and despair. People might pursue “quick fixes” to avoid the responsibility of living authentically with quick fixes such as anesthetizing themselves with alcohol or drugs or living in fantasies.
Becoming your Authentic Self
To become your authentic self, begin by knowing yourself. Understand human nature, what you can change and what you cannot, your own personality traits, learned behaviors, your values, beliefs, needs, goals, and motives. Consider the choices, events and people who may have “molded” you. Begin to know what guides you throughout life. Know your true strengths. Apply your true strengths to authentic goals. Gain the confidence to be humble. Begin to integrate and align your values, beliefs and actions.
We must face the fears that block our inner truths from coming out, especially the fear of rejection. Even when we feel strong enough to communicate the truth, we don’t always have clarity about what is true for us. But being authentic doesn’t mean being perfect. It just means doing our best to be real. Sometimes that means exposing our warts and imperfections, but there lays the beauty of authenticity.
Coming into your Authentic Self
Don Miguel Ruiz shares centuries of Toltec wisdom in his book The Four Agreements. To apply this wisdom, choose to create these profound agreements with yourself:
Be impeccable with your word. Carefully look at what you tell yourself, what you tell others, and when you decide to speak. Use your word consistently to express and strengthen your values. Don’t use or overlook factual errors, fallacies or distortions during communications. Express yourself authentically. Earn trust.
Do what you say.
Don’t take anything personally. It’s not all about you. Reject the fallacy of personalization.
Rely confidently on your own well-founded self-concept; it is the only evaluation of your worth that matters.
Challenge and balance your first-person point-of-view.
Don’t make assumptions. Suspend judgment. Readily acknowledge what you don’t know and have the courage to ask questions. Carefully look at the evidence. Don’t attribute intent to others. Retain a healthy skepticism as you avoid cynicism. Develop, refine, and constantly apply your own well-founded theory of knowledge.
Always do your best. Do all you can while you recognize you can’t do it all. All you can do is all you can do. You are good enough. Apply your time and effort toward your well-chosen and enduring goals.
These agreements are essential elements of authentic expression and earning trust.
References
Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, by Martin Seligman
Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation, by Edward L. Deci, Richard Flaste
I Am a Strange Loop, by Douglas Hofstadter
Authentic Happiness Website, by Martin Seligman, Director of the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center.http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
Self Matters, by Phillip C. McGraw
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden
The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz
Peaceful Warrior — Dan Millman learns to enjoy the journey in this docudrama.
Everybody Needs a Rock, by Byrd Baylor and Peter Parnall
Knowing Yourself, an Amazon.com Listmania List
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Never Give Up
“Wish you never give up.”
When things go wrong as they sometimes will, when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill.
When the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit, rest if you must but “don’t you quit.”
Life is queer with its twists and turns, as every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about, and would have won had he just stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
You never know how close you are, it may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit, it’s when things seem tough that you must not quit.
— Author Unknown
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See That Storm Just Ahead? Confronting Issues
“Maybe you can’t see the storm that lies just ahead. But I can. Believe me, it’s there.”
Confronting issues openly and honestly can be difficult. Many, like me are afraid of the reaction they’ll get from the person they are confronting. With that fear firmly embedded in one’s psyche, looking the other way and acting like the problem isn’t there becomes the easy way out. Or so it seems. Looking the other way really doesn’t make matters easier at all. In fact, it makes them worse. Problems often just don’t go away without some action.
I haven’t faced some very big issues and challenges that have been in my life for too long now. But I see clearly that I can’t let these problems linger. In my situation the problems have grown and the result is more and more hurt to me. I feel fear of the reaction I expect to receive. My fears I know after giving it long thought are grounded in reality and not based on my imagination. To get myself beyond this fear, I will have to have the necessary support around me to protect me. With my support in place I will face my problems. I must remember that storms don’t last forever. Eventually the sun does shine again, and life was nourished by the rains. I will come out of this a better person.
The Man in the Glass
The Man in the Glass
When you get what you want in your struggle for Self, and the world makes you King for the day… Just go to the mirror and look at yourself and see what that man has to say. For it isn’t your father or mother or partner upon whose judgment must pass, the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back in the glass…
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum and think you’re a wonderful guy – But the man in the glass, he weighs you in as a bum if you can’t look him straight in the eye. He’s the fellow you please, never mind all the rest, for he’s with you clear to the end. And you’ve passed the most dangerous, difficult task if the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the world on the pathway of years and get pats on the back as you pass, but the last reward will be heartache and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
– Author Unknown
The Gifts of Peace, Simplicity and Reality this Holiday Season
“Celebration is a forgetting in order to remember. A forgetting of ego, of problems, of difficulties. A letting go.” - Matthew Fox
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I find holidays to be a real test of my personal growth. I had always been glad I didn’t have to face the holidays alone. Christmas was always spent with my best friend Keith, my sister and her partner. Until this year I was never as acutely aware of how hard as it has to be especially hard for those that have no one. This is a good time to take care of myself and it is best to be honest, rather than jolly. For those of us that struggle during this time of year, we can refuse to lose ourselves in old behaviors. We can focus on finding other healthy people to be around.
This holiday season has already offered me the chance to reflect on the impact my mental health issues have had on my relationships and how much sharing these special times with others really means to me. I am also able to appreciate what I already have, and to better recognize my blessings because I have known the pain and deprivation of my illness.
Peace, simplicity, and reality all are ours this holiday season. By letting go of expectations, and by choosing an attitude of hope and gratitude, we will soon come to know that there is much more to celebrate than we anticipated.
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Opinions, Feedback, Comments and Judgments
Dec 28
Posted by Mark Schmitz
“Treat a work of art like a prince; let it speak to you first.” — Arthur Schopenhauer
There have been many times when I felt that I always had to have and offer an opinion about everything right away. After a movie or a concert, such as, I often wanted to step right in with my comments and judgments. I would just “shoot from the hip”, without thinking or being attentive to my feelings, or the feelings of others.
This can be a way of warding off the experience, enclosing it within certain words. I’m quite certain that all of us have feared that we might be caught off guard and compelled to change or expand our own ideas. We feared being too vulnerable!
Images, sounds, poems, and plays can cause us to open ourselves to the unfamiliar and the new, and if we are quiet and attentive, we can come to fresh insights and understandings. And so it is too, with people. If we are patient and willing to listen, we will always be learning and growing through contact with others.
The beauty and joy of life dwell within differences. I am learning to be open and attentive to what has not been part of my existence up to now, so that it may come to color and enhance my life.
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Posted in Change, Conflict, Fear, Honesty, Humanity, Intimacy, Life, Love, New Age, Opinions, Perfection, Personal Growth, Relationships, Spirituality, Truth
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Tags: Arthur Schopenhauer, Change, Comments, Conflict, Creativity and Music, Dislikes, Emotion, Fear, feedback, Honesty, Humanity, Ideas, Intimacy, Judgments, Life, Listenting, Love, Music, New Age, Opinions, Original, Perfection, Personal Growth, Plays, Poems, Relationships, Sounds, Spirituality, Truth