My life began in Wisconsin in 1961 in the area around Milwaukee known as the North Shore; the villages of River Hills and Brown Deer. From the time I was in Miss Redman’s fourth grade class at Dean Elementary School in Brown Deer, Wisconsin, I believed that Phoenix, Arizona was the place for me to live. Our fourth grade class was reading Brighty of the Grand Canyon. Along with our reading, Miss Redman was also teaching us about the vast resources and beauty held in the state of Arizona. I was intrigued by those warm temperatures she was placing on the blackboard. No more below zero winter temperatures and lots of sunshine! I can remember circling Phoenix on the map in my text book with my finger and saying to myself, “Someday I’m going to live there.”
In 1994, I had the opportunity to merge my fifteen-year-old business with my larger competitor who was located in Scottsdale, Arizona. Life for me here in Phoenix hasn’t been at all what I had hoped for. My arrival here was followed by my partner of 16 ½ years ending our relationship. From there, I went immediately into another relationship for 11 years. Both of those previous relationships were unhealthy, lacking in love and convoluted by my lying and manipulating behaviors. From both prior relationships, my former partners went on to achieve much success in their lives and my life without them was met by great struggle. Addiction, lying, cheating, financial difficulty, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, treatment, eviction, STD’s and drama is what I feel I earned during my years in Arizona.
2005 began for me my first love story with a man named Christopher. Never had I ever felt so loved or been able to so freely give my love to another person before. The way we met was unconventional and fr0m the first night we met I had him move right in. I wasn’t about to waste one single second of this feeling of love; I would bitch to the Universe, “Why would you wait until I’m in my 40’s to experience this feeling of love? Where were you when I was in my 20’s and with more time to enjoy it?” Ours is indeed a love story, and my earlier blogs share it with you.
Christopher - Portrait by Mark
Ours is also a story of terror and fear. Christopher has a severe mental illness and some of my blogs share the struggles and the ways in which we get through our toughest times. Many readers, after having read some of my blogs and the challenges we face ask, “Why do you stay together?” For me, this answer is, “a matter of the heart.” I have made a commitment to this man, a commitment so strong and so unlike any I have made before.
Christopher and I both battle an addiction to crystal methamphetamine. Each day brings new and different challenges to our coveted sobriety. We choose the support of a group that is very different than a 12 Step program. Neither Christopher nor I ever felt comfortable enough in a 12 Step meeting to share and be part of the process. Our success comes from SMART Recovery which takes a very logical approach toward maintaining sobriety and doesn’t promote one’s “powerlessness” over a chemical substance or addictive behavior. Our travels down this road of recovery has become important content to share in my blogs and hopefully someone else will either choose not to use Meth, or do what it takes for them to get off of it.
My partner and I have attempted to leave this place on several occassions, only in failed attempts; moves to other parts of the country that just didn’t happen, and cost us dearly each time. I miss the change of seasons that one comes to expect in Wisconsin. I miss the cold, rain, snow – everything that people seem to bitch about, that live there. My Dad has been complaining about the depressing nature of inclement, cold weather. I crave it! Does that make sense?
I believe this Spring that a move to Wisconsin will be in Christopher’s and my future. My Dad will oversee this attempt; we’ve lost too much of our meager savings by setting up cross-country moves and not going! I miss my family back in Milwaukee. I miss the change of seasons. My Dad and I have only recently put an end to an estrangement that went on for too many years.
I value my family connections and the roots of “home.” When the time is right, we’ll make our way home.
Namaste,
Mark.
