This Boy’s Life – All About Me

There are a series of blogs that I’ve done called “About Me”.  Following is the complete series of blogs in order and in their entirety.  Hope you learn something interesting “about me”.                      ~ Mark ~

All About Me ~ Part I: The Basics

Sign: Gemini

Date of Birth: 05/26/1961

Profession: Disabled

Height: 5’7 1/2”

Weight: 115#

Hair color: Brown

Eye color: Green

Distinguishing marks: Birthmark on left upper thigh, Tribal Tattoo on back between shoulders, Tattoo of Phoenix on Right Upper Arm.

Allergies: Seasonal, Hay fever, Asthma

Favorites:

A color I like to wear: Gold

Regardless of size or

circumstance, an animal

I would like to own

as a pet: Zebra

A flower I would like to

grow in my garden: Gerbera Daisy

My lucky number: 34

A smell that makes

me pause: Roses

A taste that makes

me melt: Soy milk

A hobby that occupies

my time: Digital photography, writing, art collecting

A sport I enjoy watching: Football

A sport I enjoy playing: Darts

A city I like to visit: Paris

A country I like to explore: France

My favorite meal: Spaghetti, salad and garlic bread

A drink I often order: Iced Tea

A delicious dessert: Grasshopper Pie

A game I like to play: Dominoes

A book I strongly

recommend: “The Dragon Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” – Alan Cohen

An author that has

affected me: Alan Cohen

The magazine I read

most frequently: Out

The newspaper I prefer

to read on Sundays: Arizona Republic

Music I love to listen to

when I am alone: Baroque, classical pipe organ music

The singer or band I

currently listen to most: Evanescence

The film I could

watch over and over: Out of Africa

A director I admire: Stephen Spielberg

An actress whose

performances I admire: Nicole Kidman

An actor whose

performance I admire: Dustin Hoffman

A TV show I

watch regularly: Days of our Lives

An artist whose

work I highly respect: Christopher D. Eshenbaugh

A piece of clothing

I love to wear: Levi Jeans from Paris

A monument I would

like to have a view of

from my bedroom: Washington Monument

My favorite time

of the day: Supper time

My Favorite place

to sit at home: Patio

What I would most like

to do on Sunday: Go for a hike, attend one of the Unitarian Universalist Congregations here in the Valley and have hot ham with fresh rolls, mustard potato salad, German potato salad, and iced tea for lunch.

My mottos: “Be true”

“What you think about will expand”

“Treat others the way you wish to be treated”

All About Me ~ Part II: The Fruits of My Labor

The Fruits of my Labor are best described as those people, accomplishments or things I am most proud of which are a result of the love I have invested in them.

My Family: Nathaniel David Espinoza – My Foster Son (Now Grown)

My Pets: Punky, Dexter, Cinder, Pousson, Leo and Milo

I live in: A two bedroom, two bath apartment in a complex called “The Huntington” in north central Phoenix, Arizona

I have: No vehicle

I receive: SSI-DI

I always thought I would be: In a better financial position than I am now

My favorite watch: My grandfather’s

My favorite cologne: Obsession

Something important on my desk: My set of Runes

On my walls hang: A lot of artwork (mostly original oils and Christopher’s works

Under my bed or in my closet I hide: A lot of dirty laundry

Something important on my night table: My inhaler

When I sleep I wear: Boxer shorts

If I had a safe I would keep: Gold and silver

Things I like to buy: China, dishes, vintage clothing, 1950’s collectibles, art, household accessories

If I could afford it at this moment,

I would buy: A house

I collect: Collectibles from the 1950’s and 60’s, china, artwork especially impressionist oils

I don’t have a lot of: Savings or income

My strangest possession: The cast from when I broke my arm when I was three years old

My most expensive possession: The two small oils on canvas of the Arizona desert, signed, JD

My prized possession: My 1961 Aluminum Christmas tree and its ornaments

Material possessions are: Still quite important to me

If our home was burning and

I only had time to rescue three

things they would be: Christopher, the dogs, the cats and the bird. That’s four. Oh well.

All About Me ~ Part III: Morals

Something forbidden I have

done that might even surprise

my closest friends: Used Crystal Meth by shooting it into my vein.

People should not marry

before the age of: 30

People should not have

children before the age of : 35

The appropriate age for

having sex is: 14 to 16

The first time I had sex

was at the age of : 7

My most recent lie: That I have been to Australia

When I’m late for an

appointment and it’s my fault, I: Tell the truth.

A lie that I tell myself: That I’m not good enough to deserve good things in life

Something I have stolen that

was not worth the risk: I haven’t stolen anything since I stole a lighter from Treasure Island Department Store when I was 12

One person I have killed

in my thoughts: My Aunt Beverly

One person I might kill

if I knew the law would

protect me: My Aunt Beverly

One thing in this world I am

addicted to: Crystal Meth

A drug or alcoholic beverage

I take on a regular basis: No drugs other than Crystal Meth; No alcohol except an occasional glass of wine

If there were no side effects

I would enjoy being addicted to: Crystal Meth

Drugs I have tried in the past: Marijuana, Amyl Nitrate (poppers), Crack, and Blotter

A drug I would never try: Heroin

A drug I will never try again: Crack

I believe that hitting is: NOT an appropriate form of discipline for a child

As and adult, I have hit a woman Yes

Why? Out of frustration

As an adult, I have hit a man.

Why? To protect myself. It was self defense

I have never been arrested. Correct

I have read someone’s diary

or gone through someone’s

private belongings without

permission. Correct

The reason I felt at the time was: Mistrust.

And what did I discover? That he was in fact being honest.

What is my reaction to a partner

cheating on me? I’m not jealous of the sex he may have with another, rather I do feel jealous when there is emotional infidelity. All I ask is that my partner be honest with me about the tryst

I have cheated on: My last two partners, but not with my current partner, Christopher.

A time I hurt someone

emotionally: Recently when I was angry at Christopher and called his artwork and poetry “a bunch of shit”

I owe someone money: But am stalling in paying it back, and am unsure of the amount. Probably over $125,000 in credit card debt and it could be higher. I plan on filing for bankruptcy.

All About Me ~ Part IV: God and the World

I believe in a god or higher power, which I refer to as Mother Universe.

I describe Mother Universe as All Loving and All Forgiving.

I was raised between two religions, Lutheran (Missouri Synod) (Father’s side) and Catholicism (Mother’s side).

I do not practice either of these religions, nor do I consider myself to be merely “Christian”.

My spirituality is now quite diverse as it embraces teachings from many religions including paganism and Wicca.

I recall my first “spiritual moment” to have occurred while on a retreat with the Lutheran Youth League to a congregation member’s cabin in northern Wisconsin.

The last time I was in a “house of worship” was right before moving to Phoenix. It was probably a week or two before Thanksgiving, and Scott, Joel, Nathan and I attended the Unitarian Universalist church in Milwaukee that we belonged to.

I believe death is a transition between lifetimes.

I picture the end of the world as a bright light filled with joy, anticipation, excitement and it will be a completely painless experience.

I believe that my higher power, Mother Universe, has spoken to me and the message imparted to me was that I am forgiven and that I am loved.

I do not believe that most wars start because of religious conflicts.

I believe that life does exist on other planets.

I believe that these other life forms have already made contact with us.

I do not believe in Adam and Eve.

I believe in evolution.

I believe in Astrology.

I read my horoscope and include it as part of my home page. I use my horoscope as a guide toward making decisions.

I have seen various psychotherapists my entire adult life. This process began treatment for depression, which finally many years later was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depressive).

The issues I have addressed in my therapy have been depression, low self esteem, abuse issues and addiction.

I believe in reincarnation and believe that we may come back in any form that will continue to help us learn the lessons we come to this big classroom called earth to learn.

All About Me ~ Part V: Opinions

I am FOR the right to have an abortion

I am FOR the right to own guns

I am FOR the welfare system

I am AGAINST the death penalty

I am FOR the rights and services for illegal immigrants

I am FOR the legalization of drugs

I am FOR the rights for the GLBT (Gay, Lesbian Bisexual and Transgendered) community

I am FOR the practice of premarital sex

Of these issues, that which concerns me most is the rights of the GLBT community, of which I am part of. Unfortunately, I have donated little time or money to this cause.

I believe that the first step toward resolving poverty is to create stimulating jobs that pay a fair wage, making them available to everyone.

I believe the first step in resolving racism is for individuals to leave behind the beliefs that have been handed down by those before us – our ancestors, and to start fresh with a belief that we are all one and are part of an interconnected web of the Universe.

The environmental issue that concerns me most is the loss of natural habitats to residential areas. I wish for greater infill and revitalization of the inner city neighborhoods.

I believe that a person becomes defined by what she or he does for a living. The result comes from spending so much of our time at our job, or career that it begins to reflect the expectations we have of our own self.

Politically, if you haven’t figured this out already, I am a liberal!

I believe the worst crime against humanity is deceit. And I believe the worst political crime is also deceit.

The minimum punishment for those who molest children should be an aggressive rehabilitation program.

The minimum punishment for those who rape should be life in prison.

My opinion of the military: homophobic.

My opinion of the draft: not necessary.

I considered the question whether I would ever fight in a war, and if so under what conditions. I’d have to be a completely different person who believed in war, and in this lifetime, that isn’t me.

All About Me ~ Part VI: Family

My mother passed away seven years ago.

Three things I liked

about my mother: Her youthfulness, her cooking, her ability to put together wonderful holiday parties

My father is still alive: However, we have not spoken to one another in many years

Three things I like

about my father: The letters he wrote to me for a while after I moved to Phoenix, his youthfulness, his knowledge of good restaurants

Of the two questions above: The one related to my mother felt easier to answer

Character or physical traits

I inherited from my mother: Her youthfulness, her entrepreneurial drive, her hair and skin, her inability to be intimate, her need to be alone

Three things I disliked

about my mother: She did not think before speaking which often led to uncomfortable and embarrassing situations, her judgmental attitudes toward people, her abusive behaviors towards, her mother, children, brother, sister-in-law and friends

Three things I dislike

about my father: His sarcastic communications, he believes that all of his adult children as failures, deceitful

Of the two questions above: The one related to my father felt easier to answer

Character or physical traits

I inherited from my father: His walk, his dishonesty, his interest in sex with multiple partners, his inability to be intimate

When I was a child, my parents: Did not spend enough time with me

The most common issue

I argued about with my parents: Was their inability to let their children grow up and live their own lives

My most beautiful childhood

memory of your parents: Summertime, living in River Hills, Wisconsin and playing in the garden

My most horrifying child hood

memory of my parents: My mom’s beatings from my Dad

If I did not know my parents,

I would choose these two people

as my mother and father: Virginia and Lem Linnell.

If they were available, I would

choose these two famous people

as m mother and father: Sharon and Ozzy Osborne

I feel that I said, “I love you “enough to my mother during her lifetime.

If feel that I said, “I love you” enough to my father as well. I hardly ever said it because I rarely felt it.

My mother told me frequently and in many ways that she loved me.

My father never showed his love or told us enough.

My mother often said, “You’re fat” or “You’re awfully chubby”

My father often said, “You’re wrong” or “You’re lying”

Of my parents, I resemble my mother most.

Something my parents did that I have never forgotten: Never took us on the vacations they built up our excitement and enthusiasm for. To my father it was a joke and he would laugh at us for again falling for his ploy of tricking us into believing him that we were going on a summer vacation.

What would it take me to forgive my parents? Greater maturity.

If I had to imagine my mother as an animal, it would be a dog.

If I had to imagine my father as an animal, it would be a wolverine.

My siblings and I share the inability to be intimate in our relationships.

A trait that I have never shared with my siblings is their dependence upon my parents (now just my father) for getting by with every day living.

My favorite relative is my Uncle Ed (my mother’s brother).

Why? Because I see him as real and authentic.

My least favorite relative is my Aunt Beverly.

Why? Because she sexually abused me as a child, manipulated me and treated me like shit. She is a bitch to our entire family.

If I were not related to my family members, I would still choose these three people to be my family:

1. My brother Michael

2. My sister Christine

3. Joel

If I had to imagine my siblings as animals, they would be:

Michael – Rottweiler

Christine – Cat

Scott – Weasel

Something you wish for your mother: That she is happy in her transition to eternity.

Something I would wish for my father: That he would accept his children for whom and what they are, love them unconditionally, and hold his opinions to himself.

All About Me ~ Part VII: Friends

The three most important

traits I look for in a friend: Honesty, that they are a little further along in their “life station” than myself, and that they are creative

A friend I have known for

the longest amount

of time is: Tim, who lives in Boston with his partner Jimmie. Tim and I have known each other for over 25 years. We have not remained consistently close over the years, but have times when we reconnect

The friend I miss most

in my life is: Darren. Darren has transitioned;

I had not seen him for about eight months prior to his death. I look forward to being greeted by Darren when I make my transition

A friend who makes

me laugh often is: Matthew

A friend to whom

I can tell anything is: David

A friend I can go to

for advice is: Joel

The best piece of advice

Joel gave me is: To give clear and considerable thought to choices that I make; the outcome can be long lasting

A friend I can have

adventures with is: David

The best adventure

I had with him was: Riding along on a towing call of a stolen and abandoned vehicle that was blocking a lane of freeway traffic

A friend I can flirt with is: Matthew

A friend I should not flirt

with as much as I do is: David

A friend I would like to

kiss is: Matthew

A friend I should not

have kissed is: Jimmie

A friend I don’t take

seriously is: David

A friend I may

lose soon is: Thierry because I haven’t kept in touch with him at all

A friend that I lost

for a reason other

than death is: Sharon Reed. I hope never to see her again

A friend who does

or believes in something

I cannot respect is: Cliff. He is not always an honest and forthright individual and tends to cut people out of his life as he goes through cycles

A friend with whom

I would like to be

closer is: Jeff. Our friendship needs to mature

A friend to whom I

should never have

leant money to is: Jeremy. Because he never had any intent to pay it back

A friend who has

betrayed me is: John. He has passed around lies and gossip about Christopher and I having continued involvement with our previous dealer

A friend who has done

something horrible but

whom I have forgiven is: Dominick. He didn’t allow me to share in his suffering by telling me about his illness

A friend I need to

forgive is: Jeremy

A friend I would consider

to be the godparent

of my child is: Danny

A friend to whom I have

something to say but

have not yet had

the courage is: Virginia. I need to tell her about the sale of her estate items and the money I owe her

My two closest friends are: David and Joel

One trait I admire in each of them is: David’s sensitivity and Joel’s honesty

One trait that I wish

they could change is: (David) Greater honesty

(Joel) compulsive/impulsive behavior;

An animal that best

describes each of my

closest friends is: Snake (Joel) and a Lion (David)

Parents as friends: My mother was at times during her lifetime considered to be a friend; my father never

My best friend as

a child was: Tim

My worst enemy

as a child was: John L

My worst enemy

as a teenager was: Gordy Z

My best friend as

an adult is: David

My worst enemy

as an adult is: Carla King, Housekeeper to the “stars”

If I could, I would

banish my

worst enemies to: Volunteer in nursing homes, or animal shelters

I am the type

that is likely to: Forgive an enemy, but find it more difficult to forgive myself

A friend who is most

like me is: Dorian. We have several common interests and rationalize through challenges similarly

The friend who

is most unlike me is: Joel. He is more advanced in his personal growth and ability to set boundaries

The friend who uses up

most of my energy is: Joel

A friend I will see in

hell is: Sharon Reed

A friend I will see in

heaven is: Darren

All About Me ~ Part VIII: Ego

I feel my three best qualities are my ability to draw people out (people get comfortable telling me things), on a good day, I’m charismatic, and on most any day, I’m caring.

My three worst qualities are: dishonesty (I struggle with this one most days), exaggeration and I perpetuate my low self-esteem. I wish to change all three of these.

The words that I feel others would use to describe me are, intelligent, charismatic, unique, special, quite ill.

These are the words I would use to describe my ideal self, honest, charismatic and creative.

Three things for which I am often complemented are, my cooking, my wardrobe and my personality (of the three, personality is the most important to me).

I received a special compliment once that made me blush. It was from an elderly woman behind me in the checkout line and she said that I have nice skin.

An insult that made me burn was each time a family member called me chubby. I would become defensive, explaining I hadn’t gained any weight and outlined a physical fitness program. And if none of that worked, I’d just blame it on the sweater I was wearing.

I am far better than most people know at digital photography and editing.

The animal that best describes me is a butterfly.

I am embarrassed when others talk loud in public areas.

I am embarrassed when I experience gas and the associated noises coming from my stomach in a quiet room filled with people.

Others are embarrassed when I am sarcastic to them in public.

The greatest amount of physical pain I have ever endured was the episode with kidney stones from November 2006 to February 2007.

The greatest amounts of emotional pain I have ever endured came from the break up and end of the relationship with Joel.

My proudest moment was when Firstar became one of the clients of my business. Scott Mutcher shared that moment with me.

The moment I am most ashamed of was Joel discovering that I had taken over $25,000 from our personal accounts without his knowledge, to buy drugs.

When I discuss my past careers with others I tend to exaggerate.

When I discuss my love life with others I also tend to exaggerate.

When telling stories or relaying details of an event I again, tend to exaggerate.

If I didn’t have commitments to others, I would move to Paris, France.

My best physical feature is my butt.

I have never considered plastic surgery and don’t see it happening in the future.

At my best, I am most like Regis Philbin.

At my worst I am most like Bill Clinton.

If I could create my own newspaper headline, it would read, “Extra Extra! Mark Schmitz gives up dishonesty”

My most excellent selfless act was bringing Mom and Dad out here to Phoenix at my expense, for vacation.

All About Me ~ Part IX: The Things I Like

For this exercise, I spontaneously listed anything that came to my mind:

Word search puzzles, reading to Christopher, hiking, decorating a house, planning and cooking a meal, laying in the sun, eating outdoors, grilling food, looking at a blue sky, smell wood burning, caring for plants, parrots, cats, dogs, reading, sex with Christopher, sex with other men, going to the Chute, spending time with Joel, being alone, flea markets, antique shops, art galleries, having my picture taken, being naked, spaghetti, lasagna, reminiscing, conversations, psychoanalyzing, snuggling with Punky on the top of my pillow at night, Dexter packing in behind my knees at night, my spot on Christopher’s chest where I lay my head and it’s the perfect fit, all of the artwork hanging on our walls in our apartment, my 1961 Aluminum Christmas Tree, and all of the 1950’s 60’s ornaments, my bluebird and butterfly dishes, my Noritake fine china, all of my crystal, my computer, yahoo, manhunt, craigslist, Adam4Adam, fresh clean sheets, our patio, an organized closet, getting the newspaper every day, making new acquaintances and exploring the possibility of friendship, lamb chops, chandeliers, furniture, IKEA, our new fish tank, Wednesday night dinners with Christine, Chinese Food, Moo Shu Pork, Dim Sum, Blogging, Journaling, silver and gold, The gold chain I gave to Christopher, my haircut, my body, my 360 page, myspace, music, collecting digital images, hamburgers, Arby’s roast beef sandwiches with both the horsey sauce and the red sauce, Pugzies Restaurant, Linda’s on Osborn (restaurant), Instant Messaging, All of the furnishings in our living room, Descoware in the flame color, vintage Tupperware, vintage Princess House, Crystal D’Arques, painted or stained concrete floors, reading books of a spiritual nature, silverware, religious icons from any religion, icons from the practice of Wicca, Stars, Sketches of male nudes and busts (head and shoulders only), Music – Electronica, Trance, Techno, Industrial, New Age, Classical, some Country & Western.

All About Me ~ Part X: Dislikes

Ants, bees and fleas. Cold Weather, Snow. Gas pain. Bad breath. Dry skin. Water that tastes bad. Animal abuse, being judged before becoming known. Messy, disorganized or dirty house. Unmade bed. Cheap linens. Cheap scratchy towels. Dry, dormant grass. People who are too shy or afraid to approach me, my fear of initiating conversations with certain people. Headaches, hangovers, Nervousness. Straight porn, naked females. Rap music. Tweaker projects. Laziness in myself and others. Animals that aren’t cared for properly, trained or treated with respect. Compulsive and /or Impulsive behavior. Conditional love. My father’s “sense of humor” better known as mean sarcasm. My father’s constant feeling that his children are all failures. Not enough check out lines open at the grocery store or stores such as Wal-Mart and Target. Deceptive people. Thieves. Shallow and unauthentic people. Bible thumpers. Those that commit hate crimes. Road construction. Running out of toilet paper. Oranges. I can’t stand even the thought of eating a whole orange. I’ll drink the juice but that’s it! Dogs that are outside and not kept on a leash. Friends that ask for a loan and then never repay it. MRSA. DVD’s that are dirty and freeze up when played. Cheap DVD players that seem to play no version or format! Not having a laundry in our apartment. I dislike using a Laundromat or the laundry rooms here. Not having our own car. Not having cell phones. Not dealing with my bankruptcy. My procrastination. Cleaning up the kitchen after Christopher has been cooking, or Deshawn has been eating cereal. Joel’s pulling back from Christopher and I. Manipulative people. George Bush, our president. That the US got involved in a civil war in Iraq, with no real exit strategy. Racism. Homophobia. The foster care system in Arizona. People who don’t pick up their dog’s waste, leaving it for others to step in. Cold showers. People who hate the French even though they’ve never been to France and have had few meetings with people from France. Walking past open, stinking garbage dumpsters.

All About Me ~ Part XII: Yes or No

I keep a diary.

I love to cook, but Christopher does most of the cooking at home.

I do not exercise regularly.

I do not sketch while on the phone.

I have read a book within the past month.

I have visited the Eiffel Tower.

I have a secret that I have never shared with anyone.

When I had a car, I waited until the last minute to get gas.

I do not snore.

I have been to my ancestor’s homeland (Germany).

I read in the bathroom.

Being sick is NOT a vacation!

I often have people over at our house.

I like America, but would much rather live in France.

I cannot remember jokes.

I do not play cards.

I fold my underwear.

I do not talk in my sleep.

I do not eat fast.

I do not recycle small batteries.

I often avoid trying to pay full price.

I like hiking.

I do not like being on the phone.

I shave regularly.

I do not wear a watch.

The alarm clock in our bedroom is set a few minutes ahead.

I am not always late. Occasionally, but not always.

I do not often get headaches.

I do not smoke.

A naked photo of me exists. Many of them actually. Taken by Christopher.

I can whistle. Seems to be a Schubert trait. You should hear my sister Christine whistle.

I do not write letters regularly and am bad with keeping up on replies to emails.

I believe in destiny.

I brush my teeth more than three times per day.

I have nothing to confess, as I do not believe in confessing to anyone but to ourselves.

I change my bed sheets weekly.

I do not bite my fingernails.

I pick my nose, and especially like to get rid of those nose hairs.

I am not a vegetarian, but had been for approximately fifteen years.

I have eaten in many restaurants alone and enjoy it.

I have gone to a movie alone and felt no awkwardness.

I have taken a vacation alone.

I do not read the newspaper everyday.

I have not used a hairdryer in more than five years.

I use a computer every day

I have never had sex while traveling on an airplane.

I have hit both my father and mother in anger.

When I think I have done something wrong, I am quick to apologize.

I lose control in heated arguments.

In the morning, when the alarm sounds I immediately get out of bed.

I did not drink mother’s milk; rather I was fed goat’s milk due to an allergy to cow’s milk.

I generally save every letter or postcard I receive.

I love parties!

I have not stolen money from my parents.

I have fired a gun.

I do not often have the last word.

Less is more. I am only now beginning to learn that lesson.

I give money to homeless people.

Money has influenced my character. By having no money worries and now having many money and financial concerns. We barely make ends meet some months.

I know who I am. I’m not always pleased with who I see. But I remind myself that I am a work in progress.

I enjoy being photographed.

Life does not treat me well, but I have not treated life well either. You get back what you put out, and I am changing that.

All About Me ~ Part XIII: Top Three

Three inventions I consider

to be ingenious: MP3 Players, Computers, Scanners

My three favorite

childhood toys or games: Magic Set, Etch-A-Sketch, Puppets

Three words I use often

when speaking: Phenomenal, Cool, Love

Three sounds that disturb me: Snoring, Squeaking, Loud music played on cheap car stereos

Three lessons I have

learned the hard way: Being honest, taking too big of a risk, promises I couldn’t keep

Three things I would never do: Kill a person or animal, have sex with a woman, hurt a child, physically or emotionally

Three charities or people

to whom I would donate money: Phoenix Body Positive, Agape Network, Camp Heartland

Three things that I would not

allow my children to do: Lie, steal, disrespect those that may be different than themselves

Three things I have done

in my life that I regret: Lied, tried Crystal Meth and that’s all it took to get hooked, did poorly in high school

Three things for which

I am thankful: My relationship with Christopher, the opportunity to still have a relationship with Joel. It’s different, but still full of love. The ability to have my animals with me

All About Me ~ Part XIV: Wishes and Dreams

I dream that I will continue having an intimate, committed relationship with Christopher and that I can know real love; both giving and receiving. I dream that I will be able to have Joel in my life as my best friend, counselor, confidant and love from my past. I dream that my health will give me enough time to be able to realize the dreams that Christopher and I have for our life together. This is my blog from July 18th, 2006 which really spells out our dream:

Black Mold and Texas Tea

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
then one day he was shootin at some food,
and up through the ground came a bubblin crude.Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know ol Jed’s a millionaire,
Kinfolk said “Jed move away from there”
Said “Californy is the place you ought to be”
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is. Swimmin pools, movie stars.

Well now its time to say good by to Jed and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in.
you’re all invited back a gain to this locality
To have a heapin helpin of their hospitality

Hillybilly that is. Set a spell, Take your shoes off.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?.

Black mold, Texas tea… Now listen to a story about a man named Mark. That’s me.

My Californy life is in Oregon. Portland, Oregon.

We’ll have a house, a great big house with a long gravel driveway. Gravel because of the way it sings as someone approaches. A big, tall, old shade tree in the front yard, and a bigger tree in back for climbing; maybe even a tree house. Dexter and Punky will have a beautiful yard to runaround and play in. Cinder and Pousson will watch the days go by, and the seasons change from one of the many windows. Milo and Precious will have a big sunny room in the center of all the action of life. There’s even a little guest house for Mom and her dog, Little Robert.

He’ll have a salon downtown in a grand old building. Right next door is my little antique shop, and next to it his art gallery.

Success and happiness opens space for our son to come into our life. A baby to raise. Raised by, with and for complete emotional health and well being. His Spirit thrives with diversity, respect and many other freedoms. He’ll grow up and marry the most beautiful woman with auburn hair. They’ll have children. Two of them.

We’ll have Life so figured out; our definition of family so strong. And demonstrate it so well in our life together, that people will want to know the keys to our success. How did we do it? How did we come from there, that dark and forlorn place, to this place of harmony, mutual respect and joy? We’ll share our keys with all who care to listen. And by doing so, further ourselves along into even greater overall success.

There’s black mold in this apartment. I made Texas tea last night. Sweet tea. For my baby and me. I swear I saw something bubble up from the ground. Our commitments sealed with a kiss. Every time we kiss, it’s a reminder of promises made. Promises kept. Y’all come back now, y’hear?.

If I had the talent or the opportunity I would learn to play the organ professionally.

Something I could learn with the snap of my fingers: to manage my money and finances.

Something I wish I could change about my life: that I would have been able to remain faithful and supportive to Joel, and not have become addicted to Crystal Meth. To have had the honest relationship he so desired with me.

Something I wish that I could change about myself: That I would be HIV –, and NOT in full blown AIDS, with a long lifetime ahead of me.

I often wish I had been born into a different race (African American).

I often wish I had been born into a different religion!

I have never wished to have been born the opposite sex.

Someone’s diary I would love to read would be Joel’s.

The three qualities my ideal man should possess are 1) Honesty 2) Comfortable with himself 3) Be a protector

The three qualities my ideal

friendship should have are: Honesty 2) Non judgmental 3) Adventurous

I had wished I would retire at the age of 70, but that is just a dream, as it is unlikely for me to live that long, and I am now already on disability.

I plan to spend the last years of my life being loved by Christopher and loving him in return, keeping Joel as close a friend as we can possibly manage, caring for my pets and making plans for them after I transition, having plans for Christopher to be well taken care of after I am gone, seeing dear friends like Virginia and Lem, and going to Paris with Christopher so that I can show him the beauty I see in it.

I wish to spend the last minutes of my life with the two most important loves that I have ever had. With Joel and Christopher by my side, being held by both of them not in a hospital or institution, but at home, with candles. And as I take my last breath, it is Christopher’s face I wish to see, as we kiss which is our reminder of the commitment and promise to meet each other on the other side. “Meet me by the big tree, baby”.

For my last dinner, I will invite these five people, Christopher, Joel, Christine, Deshawn and Liz.

The menu for this meal would be Red Pepper Hummus and Pita chips as an appetizer, Spaghetti, garlic bread and a salad with Italian dressing, and Banana Cream Pie for Dessert.

At my funeral, I wish for people to remember me as a fun loving, caring and charismatic person.

Someone who should not, under any circumstances speak at my funeral: My father.

Someone I would like to speak at my funeral: Joel

A dream I have had more than once is of being chased in a parking structure or I am lost and trying to find my car in a parking structure.

Something I dreamed of and later it came true: that I would meet my “fantasy man” who turned out to be Christopher.